


It Takes a Village

by suhossineun



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Common Cold, Existential Crisis, Fluff and Angst, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Medical Inaccuracies, Multi, Parent-Child Relationship, Parenthood, Past Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Post-Divorce, Self-Discovery, Self-Hatred, Single Parents, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Suburbia, Threesome - M/M/M, Verbal Abuse, inaccurate canada, inaccurate korean canadian things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2018-12-10 08:55:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 44,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11688291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suhossineun/pseuds/suhossineun
Summary: Six months post-divorce and into being a single father of five daughters, Junmyeon still hasn't figured it out. A couple moves in next door.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I would like to thank twitter user @dragonairily for the original idea/prompt of having Junmyeon as Red Velvet's dad, and also thank my sweetheart Jay for helping me get to know the Red Velvet members better so that I my characterizations wound't be so awful. The rest is just me being me I guess? Nobody really asked for another parent-kid fic nor did anybody ask for another ot3 fic but ayyyyy I'm a free spirit am I rite...
> 
> Catch me on twitter @suhossineun to chat with me and possibly pitch me good bad ideas to write lol

Monday mornings are always the worst of all. 

Junmyeon knows that it’s basically his own fault for letting his girls’ sleep schedule get out of whack on the weekends. That he lets his own schedule do the same. If only they didn’t slip up like they do, waking up to the new week wouldn’t feel half as bad. But Junmyeon has had enough worries to deal with, and his self-control is slipping up at places. Not much to be done there, until his stress levels go down a little. 

He hits snooze once, twice, but that’s the absolute limit. He has to get out of bed and get breakfast going if he wants to send his daughters to school on time, and he has to drop off Yerim at the kindergarten too. At least he only has one more year to go before all his kids will be going to school. One less thing to confuse his scattered brain. 

He rolls out of bed, pulls on a pair of pants and walks downstairs to go to the kitchen. He’s not much of a cook, has never been, but he makes do. He takes a look at the fridge and decides to make a Korean breakfast this morning; he’s never learnt to really understand the point of North American breakfast, because even though he’s lived in Canada since he was 11, in his childhood home they always ate Korean dishes. He knows that his girls love pancakes and the whole nine yards, but Junmyeon is a firm believer in not feeding them that much sugar on a school morning. 

The rice cooker takes care of the rice for him, while he prepares a simple jjigae and side dishes. He’s done this enough many times that he doesn’t have to think too hard about it, just follow the familiar routine, and he turns on the coffee maker last before he heads back upstairs to wake up his girls. 

First is his eldest, Juhyun. Junmyeon knocks on the door first before poking his head in. She’s buried deep underneath the covers, only her black hair standing out against the light sheets. “Darling, time to get up,” he calls out gently. Juhyun has hit puberty full on now at 14 years old, and she can be a little bit prickly at unexpected times. Junmyeon would rather not annoy her without meaning it. His eldest is his biggest ally in taking care of the other girls, and he needs her to be cooperative. 

Fighting with his daughters is new, but he understands them. It hasn’t been easy on them since he got divorced some six months ago, or even leading up to that. 

Juhyun sits up, rubbing at her eyes, and Junmyeon feels the need to go over and smooth over her mussed hair. But no, she’s a big girl, and probably wouldn’t welcome it. “The food is ready, so just go eat when you’re ready,” he says, and leaves the room. 

Next are the twins, Seulgi and Seungwan. When he opens the door, Seungwan is already up and getting ready, as expected. She’s the most trustworthy, and the one who takes school more seriously. Junmyeon rarely has to really chase her out of bed. 

“Breakfast is ready,” he says with a smile. “If you’d wake up Seulgi for me, sweetie? I’ll go get the rest.”

Seungwan returns his smile, and promises to get Seulgi up in a bit. The twins are still amicable with one another, but they’re now both 11, and Junmyeon has a feeling that puberty might change things soon. He shudders just thinking about the fights he’s going to have to learn to mediate somehow. 

Sooyoung and Yerim share a room, because the youngest is afraid of sleeping alone, and thankfully Sooyoung hasn’t started to argue against the arrangement. They’re both fast asleep in their bunk bed, and Junmyeon walks into the room on soft feet. He has to stand on his tippy toes to reach into Sooyoung’s bed to shake her up gently by the shoulder. It takes a couple words of encouragement, but finally Sooyoung rolls over and gets on her knees before leaning over the rail of her bed. Junmyeon’s arms come up and he pulls his eight-year-old into his arms, covering her face with kisses before setting her down. 

Finally, he leans into the bottom bunk to kiss awake his youngest, five-year-old Yerim. She tries to squirm deeper into her blankets, but Junmyeon attacks her with tickles to lure his little sunshine out of bed. She, too, wants into his arms first thing, and he heads downstairs with her propped up on his hip and Sooyoung holding his hand.

Seungwan and Juhyun are both at the table already, and have prepared plates for Sooyoung and Yerim as well. Junmyeon thanks them quietly as he sits Yerim down and pours everyone orange juice before finally, finally being allowed to get himself a cup of coffee. Sadly, he doesn’t have time to sit down to drink it, because he has to go and get dressed now, while the girls eat their breakfast. On his way to his bedroom he bangs on the twins’ door, and gets an affirmative noise from Seulgi to confirm that she’s awake and getting ready. 

This was easier when there was still two parents to do this, but Junmyeon isn’t going to complain. He has a system set up; while the girls eat, he gets dressed and burns his tongue on his hot coffee, before he goes to get his two youngest and gets them changed and does their hair. One of his biggest challenges was to learn how to do their hair, because when his wife was still around, he was never allowed to. He used to pull on the brush too hard, was too rough, and his fingers were clumsy and couldn’t hold the silky strands like he was meant to. It took several Youtube tutorials and a lot of practice, as well as some help from Juhyun, until he figured it out. 

He can’t say that the girls have the nicest hairdos in the world, but at least they don’t get sent home for looking like mountain trolls. Six months into single parenting, he’ll take every victory he can take. 

Alongside with the taking care of the youngest two, he helps the twins, if they need him with anything. They’re pretty self-sufficient, but he feels warm inside every time they ask him to do something for them. He makes sure that everyone has their bags packed, everyone looks decent, so forth. He runs through his mental checklist, tries to remember if there is anything special scheduled for the day for the girls like school trips or meetings at the school that he should come to. He tends to forget a lot of it, but his girls are smart cookies. They remind him, act as his little helpers.

It used to be easier, but Junmyeon has no place to complain.

Time always flies by, and before he knows it they’re all close to running late. He herds his kids downstairs, makes last minute checks, and gives them all hugs and kisses before he chases the girls out the door in time for their school bus. Sometimes, if he had to argue with Juhyun or one of the twins, they will refuse his usual show of affection, but he tries not to let it get to him. It’s okay. It’s normal if they’re mad at him sometimes; he’s mad at himself all the time, anyway. 

Yerim he whisks into his car and drives her off to kindergarten, listening to her babbles and singing obnoxiously loud in the car with her. It always lifts up his mood, no matter how close to pulling his hair out he came over the course of the morning. Today’s not terrible, there were no arguments, no screaming, and as far as he knows, he didn’t even forget anything. But still, Yerim is an endless source of happiness, and while sending her off to school will make mornings less hectic for him, he’s going to miss this private time with her in the car before he zooms off to work.

And at last, he drives off to work, the caffeine making his ears ring and his hands a little bit jittery. He has time to catch a bite of something in the break room or at his desk while he waits for his computer to turn on, so it’s nothing to worry about. It’s fine. For as long as his girls are fine, he’s too. 

He heaves a quiet sigh as he sits down, sipping on a new cup of coffee. As the head of his department, there is always plenty of work, especially if he wants to go home on time. And he has to, because there’s no one else there to cook dinner for the kids, pick up Yerim from kindergarten. Their godfather Jongdae helps out a lot, but Junmyeon doesn’t want to be a burden to him, or to anyone. Maybe things will get easier once the mother of the girls gets a place somewhere closer, somewhere big enough where she can have the girls over; right now she’s living in a small condo on the other side of the city, she said, so she can’t do much. It’d be such a hassle, she said. The girls’ lives are all there, in the neighbourhood, and it’s best that they get to stay there. In the house that they were all born in. She just needs some more time to sort everything out. 

Junmyeon doesn’t doubt her, doesn’t blame her. She will make a bigger effort to be present in the girls’ lives at some point, he knows, but right now she just needs time to herself. 

It’s Junmyeon’s fault that she hasn’t had any for the past 15 years, so it’s only fair that he’s patient. 

It’s another Monday morning now done, and he only has to do this again tomorrow.

*

Junmyeon comes home in the afternoon, Yerim in tow, with as many groceries as he can carry. The girls are already home from school and are probably starving, so he’ll get started on dinner straight away. But as he gets out of the car and glances over to the neighboring house that’s been empty for a while now, he actually sees people busy moving in- there’s a moving truck parked in front of the house, and people are going in and out, carrying boxes and furniture. Aside from the employees of the moving company, there are two men who come in and out of the house, and any possibility to mistake them for just roommates goes out the window when he sees them exchange kisses on the footpath.  
Not that it would make much sense for roommates to move in this part of town. It’s a family neighbourhood, full of kids and couples waiting to have kids, but Junmyeon supposes that a gay couple fits in pretty well either way. Maybe they’re going to adopt, soon. 

The taller man spots him standing there, and actually puts down the box he was carrying on the veranda to jog over to the fence that separates the properties. His partner follows behind him, hands in his pockets. 

“Hello! I think that you must be our new neighbor,” the tall one says, and Junmyeon holds his hand over the fence to shake his, as well as the short one’s when he arrives. “We’re just moving in, as you can see.”

“Yes, indeed. I didn’t know that the house had been sold already, but it’s nice to have people move in. It’s nice to have a next-door neighbor again,” Junmyeon replies. “My name is Kim Junmyeon, and I live here with my five daughters.” There’s no hiding the truth, so he might as well get it out there now. He avoids seeing the looks of surprise and most probably pity by turning to the car again and lifting Yerim out and into his arms. 

“And this is my youngest, Yerim. Yerim, say hi to our new neighbors.” Yerim beams like the small sun that she is, and waves both of her hands at the two men.

“Wait, are you actually Korean?” the short one says in Korean, and Junmyeon’s eyes widen in surprise. It’s been ages since he’s last spoken Korean with someone who wasn’t family. He speaks Korean with the girls when it’s just them, but English when there are other people around, and that’s what he did just now to introduce his baby girl as well. 

“Yes, I am,” he replies, also in Korean. “So you’re both…”

“Both Korean, as well,” the short one says. “I’m Kim Minseok, and this is my partner, Kim Jongin. Not married, just share the same last name.”

“It’s a small world, especially for us Koreans living abroad,” Junmyeon laughs softly, kissing his daughter on the forehead. “But I’m really glad. My girls will be excited, too.”

Minseok and Jongin smile widely at him, Jongin’s arm coming around Minseok’s shoulders. “We can’t wait to meet them, too,” Jongin replies. “But now, I’m afraid we have to carry on with moving in, if we want to have a place to sleep in tonight.”

“As if you couldn’t sleep anywhere and everywhere,” Minseok says with a roll of his eyes, and jabs Jongin in the side with his elbow. “But he’s right, we shouldn’t keep you. You’ve just gotten back from a day of work, I assume, and have your children to tend to.”

“Yes, I do,” Junmyeon says, and something burns uncomfortably in his stomach. In the back of his throat, it tastes like exhaustion, the whole burden of having to take care of his children all on his own, but he shoves that away. It’s his fault for ruining his marriage that he’s in this situation now. 

That's what his ex-wife said, anyway. He can’t say he doesn’t believe her.

But it’s Monday, and Mondays are always the hardest, so that’s probably why he feels like this. He’s fine, everything’s fine. 

They say goodbye, and Junmyeon sets Yerim down so he can take the bags of groceries inside. Yerim runs off to find Sooyoung, while Junmyeon heads straight to the kitchen. None of the girls are to be seen anywhere, but it’s not unusual. They mostly spend time in their rooms, these days. Ever since the divorce. 

Junmyeon shakes his head to get those thoughts out of his head once more, brews himself a cup of coffee, and gets to work with the dinner.

As expected, the girls are somewhat intrigued by the news about their new neighbors. “It’d be nice if they had kids,” Sooyoung sighs, “so we could play with them. But uncles are fun, too.”

“Do you think they go to the same church as us?” Seungwan wonders. It’s not an unreasonable thing to assume, because there are only so many Korean churches nearby, but Junmyeon doesn’t know how to tell her that Minseok and Jongin probably don’t feel that welcome in a lot of churches.

He, too, would rather stop going to church. He never wanted to, in the first place, but his ex-wife insisted. She is Christian, and wanted to raise the children as such, and Junmyeon agreed. He’s Buddhist, but not very devout, so he didn’t really mind. But now, it seems so pointless, and he feels like such a liar sitting there by himself with his girls, the tragedy of his marriage out in the open for everyone in the community to judge. But he keeps going, every single week, because the girls enjoy it. They have friends there, and it’s a part of a routine. So Junmyeon keeps going, just trying his hardest to be a good dad. Anything for his daughters.

Although he thinks that Juhyun might ask not to go any time now. Junmyeon is not going to force her to go, either, even though he knows that her mother would have done that. But that doesn’t matter now, when the mother is not here.

“Even if they don’t, I’m sure we’ll get to see them a lot,” Junmyeon says instead, and reaches over to help Yerim cut her food into smaller pieces. “They seemed nice, and excited to meet you all. We could bake cookies on the weekend and bring them some, as a welcome gift. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

Juhyun gives him an unamused look. The teenager probably finds this a ridiculous idea, but the rest of the girls are enthusiastic about it. Four out of five is still a passing grade, Junmyeon thinks to himself, and sighs quietly. 

Everything’s fine. He’s fine. 

*

Minseok and Jongin seem rather busy over the next few days, arranging their new home. Junmyeon spots them outside a couple of times, but he’s always in a hurry to go somewhere, and doesn’t get the chance to make any more small talk with them. But a part of him is curious of the couple, and a part of him craves to talk to them. He doesn’t have a lot of friends, and the ones he has he doesn’t see very often, and ever since his wife left he hasn’t had that many opportunities to talk to adults, much less in Korean. He lays awake at night in bed where he can see the lights still on in the neighboring house, and wonders how their lives are like, how happy they must be having just bought their first house together, preparing to start a family of their own. 

It was 15 years ago that he went through it, and it feels like it was in a different life altogether.

He does keep his promise to the girls, and on Saturday he has four girls in the kitchen with him, ready to bake cookies. It’s a hopeless hassle, especially because Junmyeon is not very gifted at baking, but at least the twins are old enough to kind of know what they’re doing. It’s a big help, and Junmyeon just tries to act as the supervisor, and keep Yerim and Sooyoung from eating too much of the raw dough. The girls are all giggling with excitement and bursting with energy, as activities like this are far and few between, and Junmyeon is once more reminded of how lacking he is as a father. He supposes that fatherhood only means making futile promises of a brighter future, but never following through with any of those.

But he does enjoy watching his girls work together. Seungwan is a natural leader, easily taking the reins and assigning work to the others, but avoids being bossy about it. Seulgi is so silly, even if the others don’t find her sense of humor that amusing- but Junmyeon is partial to her, because she takes after him the most as far as jokes, puns and the like are considered. Sooyoung and Yerim are his little sunshines, his mischievous angels, who are constantly bickering and playfighting with one another. Despite being three years younger, Yerim holds her own really well, and so Junmyeon doesn’t see the need to curb their fun too much. Juhyun is more serious than any of them, has always been, but deep down she’s just as soft and loving as the rest of them. 

They’re such a hoot, and sometimes Junmyeon finds it really hard to believe that they could all be his own offspring- that these bright, beautiful girls are somehow related to dull, boring him.

It takes them probably twice as long as should be reasonable and the kitchen looks they had a snow fight with the flour, but by the end of it all they have successfully made cookies. Junmyeon promises to take care of baking them and sends the girls off to wash up while he cleans up the mess they made in the kitchen. He should make the girls help, but he doesn’t want to ruin their fun with practicalities such as that.

He finishes baking all the trays of cookies, and calls out to the girls to come and have some, pouring milk into glasses for them. Even Juhyun comes downstairs with them, tempted by the sweet treats, and sits down with her sisters to enjoy their snack. Junmyeon just brews himself a cup of coffee, feeling the weight of sleep deprivation heavy on his shoulders, and skips the cookies- his mother tells him he should watch out for balding and putting on weight, because if he lets himself go then how is he going to find another wife?

Junmyeon doesn’t even have time to think about dating, but he doesn’t want to argue with his strong-spirited mother. 

Once everyone feels sated and happy, Junmyeon suggests that they head on out to finally greet their neighbors properly. Juhyun grumbles a little about it, but Junmyeon coaxes her to come, and they leave the house all six of them, Seulgi carrying the plate of cookies as their welcome gift. At least both of the couple’s cars are parked outside, so they ought to be home. Sooyoung gets the honors of ringing their doorbell.

Jongin comes to open the door, and he breaks into a wide grin as he sees Junmyeon there with all of his five daughters. “Hi!” he says with a wave, before turning around slightly back towards the house. “Minseok hyung! Our neighbors are here, come see!” He speaks in Korean, even if in his soft accent Junmyeon senses a slight edge of unfamiliarity- perhaps Jongin’s Korean is not as confident as that of someone born and raised in Korea, but Junmyeon is not one to judge. He knows that his girls, too, have a different relationship with the language than he himself does. 

Minseok emerges from somewhere in the house, and his smile reveals his pink gums as well, his almost feline eyes crinkling up prettily. “Wow, hi, everyone. What a surprise, really!”

Junmyeon bends his upper body forward, his body immediately slipping into Korean body language together with the spoken words, going for a more formal bow even though Minseok and Jongin both greeted them with casual waves. He finds himself a little bit flustered, a little bit winded. The couple looks so idyllic, so perfect there in the door way, and something sharp jabs at him but it’s gone before he can analyze it further.

“My girls all wanted to meet you very much,” he says, “and we wanted to welcome you properly. Let me introduce them. This is my oldest, Juhyun-”

“Irene,” Juhyun says, frowning slightly. Right. Junmyeon fights off the urge to grit his teeth.

“Honey, we’re speaking in Korean. They can pronounce your name, you don’t need to use your English name with them.” He gives Jongin and Minseok an embarrassed look. “She prefers being called Irene by her friends at school but, she goes by Juhyun at home.”

Junmyeon isn’t against the girls using English names. It’s not something that he sees as offensive or negative, but he does insist on only calling them by their Korean names. He and their mother chose them with great care, and they’re very dear and precious to him. Even if he’ll be the last person on earth to use those names, he won’t give up on them.

Neither of the men seems that confused, and so Junmyeon moves on. “And these are my twins, Seulgi and Seungwan, who also goes by Wendy at school. And my second youngest, Sooyoung, who goes by Joy. And you already met my youngest, Yerim.” 

The girls are all smiles and waves, and they only do little bows at Junmyeon’s prompting. Minseok and Jongin seem impossibly amused by all this.

“Such beautiful girls,” Jongin says, and it sounds one hundred percent genuine, not just something that he’s saying to be polite. Junmyeon beams back at him, proud of his daughters. They’re indeed gorgeous, and only get prettier by the day. Where such beauty has come from, he’s not sure, because it sure isn’t from his genes. 

“We made cookies,” Sooyoung declares, and Seulgi reaches out to hand over the plate proudly. “Thank you so much, darlings,” Minseok says with a smile as he accepts the offering. “It’s so nice of you, and your father, who I’m sure helped out some.” He winks at Junmyeon over the girls’ heads, and Junmyeon can’t help but feel a tiny bit flustered. He blames it on how handsome their new neighbors are. 

“Would you guys like to come in? We could eat these cookies together, and we’ve got ice cream,” Jongin suggests, looking at Junmyeon with a slightly raised brow, asking for his permission. The girls all spin around as well to look at him with pleading eyes, and Junmyeon can’t possibly be the killjoy. 

“I guess more cookies can’t hurt, or ice cream,” he sighs feigning reluctance, and they’re all guided inside and ushered into the kitchen.

The house is in a lot ways similar to theirs on the outside, but the new residents have definitely added their touch on the interior. The smell of fresh paint still lingers, and the wallpapers look new as well. There are a lot of empty spaces still waiting for furniture, and boxes yet to be emptied. But just looking at it, Junmyeon can tell that the couple has a modern, a bit minimalistic taste.

“We still haven’t gotten around to finishing everything yet,” Minseok shrugs as he notices Junmyeon looking around curiously, and Junmyeon smiles in response. “No, I wasn’t judging,” he hurries to say. “I was just thinking about how nice it will look once you’re all done. Is this the first house you’ve lived in?”

“Yeah, so we don’t have all the furniture yet. It’s being shipped to us, though, but we’re still figuring stuff out. Where to put what, so forth. It’s a big shock, after living in apartments for so long,” Minseok says with a quiet laugh. Jongin is already getting the girls seated in the kitchen, entertaining them with questions about them to break the ice. He’s clearly a natural, despite appearing years younger than Junmyeon himself. But some people just are talented with kids, have that magic touch. 

“I can still remember that vaguely,” Junmyeon replies, but his laughter comes out more bitter than he intended it to. It just really has been a long time since he last lived in an apartment, even if the memories of it are all fond. 

Minseok frowns minutely, but the look is gone as soon as it came. Clearly, the man knows not to pry too soon. But instead, he reaches around Junmyeon and wraps his arm around his middle, fingers solid against his hip in their grip as he steers Junmyeon towards the kitchen. It’s a surprising gesture, and sends a warm tingle over Junmyeon’s skin.

“You can call me hyung.” It’s not a subtle change in topic, but it definitely works. Junmyeon gives Minseok a confused look, trying to formulate an appropriate answer. Minseok laughs at him, goodheartedly, and squeezes him closer. “I could bet anything that you’re younger than me,” he explains. 

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Junmyeon admits. “You look 25.”

Minseok laughs even louder, and Jongin gives them a surprised look as they walk through the kitchen door way. “Junmyeon here thinks I’m 25. What a charmer,” he explains, and now it’s Jongin’s turn to laugh. The girls watch on silently, clearly puzzled by what is so funny about any of this. 

Junmyeon blushes, and wow, that feels strange in itself. Adult men shouldn’t blush, he thinks, which only makes him blush even harder. “Then how old are you,” he insists, crossing his arms over his chest. Minseok lets go of him and slides in next to Jongin to help him with handing out the bowls of ice cream to the girls. 

“38,” Minseok admits readily. He doesn’t look a day over thirty, Junmyeon could swear, but he keeps that to himself. He’s not out here trying to flirt or anything.

“Jongin is the baby, he’s just 34,” he continues, and bumps his hip against Jongin’s who whines a little but then relents and grants his boyfriend a kiss on the cheek. Juhyun and the twins are staring, but the two youngest literally couldn’t care less.

“So you are hyung after all.” Junmyeon hasn’t called anyone hyung in ages, save for his real elder brother, but he hardly ever sees him. The word sits all too easily with him, like most things Korean do. 

“Told you so,” and Minseok’s tone is lilting, light, fond. “How old are you exactly, Junmyeon-ah?”

Now all the girls do look up. They’re not used to hearing their dad addressed like so, ever, and neither is Junmyeon. His blush really isn’t going away any time soon. “37.” He can almost hear Minseok and Jongin doing the math in their heads, for how young he must have gotten married to have a child fourteen years of age already. He’d be the first to admi that he indeed married young, but his ex-wife is older than him, at least.

“So it’s settled then. Call me hyung.” Minseok winks at him again, and Junmyeon has half a mind to dunk his face into the ice cream to calm down his warm cheeks. 

When they head home, the girls are all quite smitten with the new neighbors. Even Juhyun has a favorable expression of them, and Junmyeon trusts her judgment probably the most of all. And quite honestly, he’s looking forward to getting to know them better, even if he doesn’t quite know when he’ll have the time to do so.

Next day is Sunday, and Junmyeon wakes up his girls for church. Juhyun agrees to come along, still, and Junmyeon is glad for it. Not for her, but because he doesn’t feel ready to explain to anyone at the church why his eldest is not coming.

As he gets dressed in his most casual suit, he wonders when he started to care so much about what other people say. When did he become so concerned about such stupid things? And he thinks about his ex-wife, how she always took such great care to make it seem like their marriage was perfect, their kids were perfect, their house was perfect… until it all fell apart so suddenly. 

He shakes his head, tightens his tie. Soul searching can wait. Some other time, when he doesn’t have five girls in his hands and a deadline to be somewhere all too soon.

He gets everyone in the car, and the twins and Juhyun are all arguing before they even make it off the driveway. Junmyeon’s peace-loving nature can’t be at ease listening to bickering such as that, and it soon escalates into yelling and name calling. A migraine begins at the back of his left eye, and he knows that the pain will explode all over his skull like wildfire soon enough. 

“Girls,” he says, glancing at Juhyun who’s riding shotgun next to him. Oldest child privileges. “Please don’t use such names for one another, alright? It’s not nice.”

“But Seungwan started it!” Seulgi yells from the backseat, and Junmyeon can hear how upset she is. He lost the actual point of the winding argument long ago, so he doesn’t know who started what, can’t make a clear judgment on anything. The pain behind his eye socket intensifies, and for a moment he considers just pulling over. But no, they have to make it to the beginning of service on time. 

“It doesn’t matter who started it,” he replies, doing his best to remain calm even though it’s hard to even have his voice heard. “I want you all to apologize to one another now, and then calmly settle whatever is upsetting you. You’re all big girls.”

The girls mumble their apologies after he almost wrestles those words out of them, and he knows that the truce isn’t likely to last, but they pull up at the church now and he can get all the girls out of the van. It dissipates some of the tension, especially as the girls wander off to their own groups of friends. Only Sooyoung and Yerim stick with him, both girls holding onto his hands, as they walk inside and find a place to sit.

The service begins, but Junmyeon can barely hear a word. The headache is in full swing and it throbs, hurts, feels like molten lava inside his skull. His migraines have gotten more frequent, and he knows that it’s stress related- there’s just nothing he can do about the stress, so it’s completely useless knowledge. He closes his eyes and hangs his head down, trying to simply focus on breathing and giving his girls noncommittal responses if they nudge him or whisper anything to him. 

Sooyoung can read very well for her age, and can read the lyrics to all the songs. Yerim on the other hand barely knows the alphabet, so she’s singing with her own made up lyrics when she doesn’t know the words by heart. It’s usually very adorable and makes Junmyeon feel all soft and warm inside, but right now all the noise is grating on his nerves. 

It feels like it’s never going to end, and he’s so resigned to the endless suffering that he doesn’t even notice when it finally does. Yerim and Sooyoung shake him, both with such concerned looks on their faces, and Junmyeon feels bad for making them worry. He grants them both plenty of kisses and lifts them up in his arms to carry them outside, their pretty dresses such a stark contrast against his dark suit and white shirt.

The yard is a minefield of people trying to make small talk with him. Everyone wants to chat with him to get the latest gossip of his new bachelor life, and women who happen to be single are already trying to make moves on him. He would have assumed that his five girls would act as a deterrent for anyone interested in dating him, but he supposes he was wrong. Maybe there’s something so pitiful about him, so pathetic about his situation, that women just feel compelled to come to his rescue. But he honestly doesn’t want any of that, isn’t ready, or interested.

He gets the two girls in the car, but has to wait for the three other girls to say goodbye to their friends. He leans against the side of the van, eyes closed against the September sun, counting down the beats of his heart and the painful throbs of his migraine. There’s an odd sense of peace there, somewhere in that pain, but he does wish for it to be over. All of it. 

The girls don’t hurry one bit to get back, but eventually they shuffle their way over to the car. Junmyeon ushers them in with a thin smile, tells everyone to put their seatbelts on, and drives off. 

The bickering starts again as soon as the girls are forced into such close proximity, and this time it’s really, really wearing his patience thin. It’s not easy to make him snap, not at all, a flaw in his personality that he knows the girls take advantage of in the regular, but this is just moving onto the side of too much. 

He tries to ignore it, tries to push it aside. It’s nothing, the girls mean nothing with what they say. It’s normal for siblings to argue. He shouldn’t yell, he’s only tense because of his headache. It’s not fair on the girls… He keeps repeating this to himself, all the way home, following through the routine of driving home because his focus is not there. He’s lucky that they don’t get into an accident on the way.

But when they get home, the girls start to pester Junmyeon to take sides. All three surround him right there on the driveway, all looking up at him with accusatory looks in their eyes like he has somehow failed them already. And in their eyes, he reads simply endless disappointment, for who he is as a father. Useless, useless, useless. 

“But Juhyun said that-” “I did not say that! It was Seulgi!” “Okay but it’s Seungwan’s fault-” “No it’s not!”

“Enough!” Junmyeon suddenly yells, clapping his hands together loudly once to startle them into silence. “That’s enough, all three of you! I’m very disappointed in your behavior today. That is no way to talk to each other and you all should know better. I want everyone to go to their room except Seulgi will go to mine, and I want you all to reflect on your words and actions until you understand what you did wrong. I will come and talk to you when I think you’ve had enough time to think about this.” He points at the house, glaring at the three teens standing in front of him. 

“Not fair!” Seulgi screams and stomps her foot before marching off. “Not fair I can’t go to our room! Not fair!”

“Dad is so stupid,” Seungwan choruses her, as she too stalks off. Juhyun stands there a little bit longer, a murderous look in her dark eyes, staring Junmyeon down in a way that makes him feel so, so small.

“You’re so mean! All you do is yell at us now! You never yelled when mom was home, I want mom back!” she declares, pointing an accusatory finger at him, before spinning around on her heels and running towards the house as well, slamming the door shut behind her.

Tears rush into his eyes and he closes his eyes, turns his head away so that Yerim and Sooyoung don’t see. This is not the first time the girls have said such things, and he knows that it’s just that they’re grieving… But it hurts, it hurts so much because it’s all true.

“You can go and watch cartoons in the living room, dad will be right there,” he forces out, his voice unsteady. The headache has increased tenfold. “Dad’s not mad at you, sweeties, alright? You didn’t do anything wrong. Dad is sorry that dad yelled.”

“It’s okay,” Yerim says softly, and hugs his thighs. Junmyeon feels his tears fall, hot and shameful, and so he doesn’t look at her, just urges her to go with Sooyoung with the promise that he’ll follow them soon, will prepare lunch for them all. He listens to them walk away and it’s only after he hears the door close that he wipes at his cheeks, angrily trying to get rid of the evidence of his weakness.

When he opens his eyes, he sees Minseok standing in his own yard, staring at him with wide, worried eyes. He doesn’t even have to ask to know that he just witnessed everything. The shame is like a punch to his gut, and he only manages a weak wave of his hand, his sobs making his shoulders tremble. Oh god. He marches off and into the garage to hide, where he crouches down to cry into his hands hopelessly, crushed to the ground mentally and physically.

He’s not fine, he’s not fine, nothing’s fine.


	2. Chapter 2

It takes almost half an hour of sobbing for Junmyeon to pull himself together, and then he takes another fifteen minutes to try and let the redness fade from his face. He sneaks into the house and to the bathroom downstairs to go splash his face, but when he looks at himself though the mirror he winces immediately. He looks awful, absolutely cried out, and yikes. It’s not a good look.

He has always believed in being honest about his emotions with the girls, to set a healthy example for them. He wants them to know that it’s alright to cry, it’s alright to be sad, it’s alright to feel anything and express anything. But he doesn’t want to scare them, doesn’t want to make them worry. They’re already carrying more on their shoulders than they should be, as young as they are. 

With a heavy sigh, Junmyeon combs fingers through his hair to make it decent again, and takes off his blazer and his tie. On socked feet, he pads his way into the living room to check up on the two youngest, hoping to find them at least somewhat content.

And they are, both engrossed with the cartoon that they’ve put on. It makes him smile a little despite himself, and he presses kisses on the crowns of their heads before heading upstairs. 

He doesn’t feel ready to face the other girls, doesn’t feel ready to be a responsible, calm father. But parenthood has never been something that allows him all the time he wants- it has never been so kind to him, never, and it has only gotten crueler since he has had to shoulder the responsibility alone. 

His ex-wife would say that he got away easy for the first 14 years of it, but in his strongest moments Junmyeon would like to argue that he did do some things. He was never gone more than she was, never shied away from responsibility. But he supposes that all of her feelings are legitimate, too. Who is he to argue, especially now when it’s all in the past that no one can change.

He steels himself, and knocks on the door of his own bedroom. He doesn’t get a response, but he walks in either way. Seulgi is there, curled up in the big bed that Junmyeon and his ex-wife bought when they started having children so that the kids could fit in it too, and she looks so tiny even amid all the pillows and blankets. She has been crying, he can tell, and petulantly refuses to even look at him. 

“I hope it wasn’t too much of a punishment to make you come here,” he says with his softest voice as he walks up to his closet to hang up his blazer and put away his tie. “I’m sorry about it. I just figured you could have put the TV on or something. Next time I’ll make Seungwan come here, instead.”

Still no response. He holds back a sigh, and unbuttons his shirt slowly to get changed into a comfy tee. “I just don’t like watching you girls fight,” he says next. “I really don’t. I know it’s part of growing up, and you probably argue when I’m not there to hear it. I have a brother, I know how it’s like to have siblings. It’s alright. But I don’t like it when you call each other all kinds of names. It’s not nice.”

He’d change his pants, but he figures that Seulgi is old enough that seeing such a thing would embarrass her too much. Instead, he turns around and sits on the edge of the bed. “And I’m sorry I yelled. I shouldn’t have. I know it’s not right. If I promise to do better, can you forgive me? Please, darling?”

It takes a moment, but then Seulgi springs up and tackles him in for a hug fiercely, burying her face against his shoulder. Junmyeon holds her wordlessly, sways her gently back and forth, holds back his own tears. He doesn’t know if he has the strength to stop if he does, and he still has two more girls to go. 

It’s startling to realize how the twins are starting to outgrow him too. Juhyun is almost as tall as he is, and now it’s obvious that the twins are getting into their growth spurt as well. Seulgi doesn’t fit into his arms like she used to, which makes him infinitely fond but also endlessly sad. Parenthood is one part being proud of your children and their development, and one part grieving the things you have to let go.

“I love you, dad,” she whispers, and Junmyeon repeats it back to her, over and over. He lets her calm down completely before he pulls back so he can smooth down her hair and dry away her tears.

“Let’s go talk to Seungwan now, shall we? I’m pretty sure that she’s ready to make up with you, don’t you think?” Because the twins are still inseparable, despite these little arguments they get into. He knows that even this much time apart must feel a bit strange. Seulgi gives him a nod and he leads her out of the room with an arm around her shoulders, taking her to her shared room with Seungwan and knocking on the door.

Seungwan gives him the verbal permission to come in, and so he opens the door and herds Seulgi right in. Seungwan has cried, too, but looks more calm, her study books open in front of her on the desk. Junmyeon gives her the same speech as he did to Seulgi, and she too seems placated by that. The hug, at least, is a sure sign that everything is again as it should be.

“If I leave you to it, will you be able to make up?” he asks, looking at both of them. Seungwan looks more sure of herself when she nods back, but Seulgi agrees as well, just how he expected. Good. He kisses them both on the forehead and then walks out, letting them work it out by themselves. It’s better that way, than if he meddles too much.

But he is not looking forward to talking to Juhyun.

She scares him, sometimes, and the words that came from her mouth did hurt, ripped open things he had just managed to patch up to try and forget about the pain. But she’s much too smart, much too honest, and Junmyeon has nowhere to run. There’s no one else to do this, but him.

Once more, he knocks on the door, and as he suspected, gets no response. He only opens the door a tiny bit, enough for his voice to be heard. 

“Juhyun, honey, can I come in?”

No response is as good as a yes in situations such as these, and so he steps inside. The lights are off, but he can tell that Juhyun is curled up in bed under the covers, her Sunday dress tossed on the floor with no care at all. Whether she’s crying or not, Junmyeon can’t tell. 

He picks up the dress from the floor and goes to hang it up, taking great care to smooth out the fabric. Truth is, he doesn’t know what to say, but he knows that he needs to make the first move.

Instead of sitting on the edge of her bed, he sits on a chair at her desk. He feels so, so small, so pathetic. How is he ever going to be enough of a man to raise his daughters? Why was he so foolish to become a father when he’s so incompetent?

“You have every right to be mad at me,” he says, forcing his voice to stay steady. “I am, too. I’m really disappointed that I yelled and lost my temper. I shouldn’t have. It was so, so terrible of me.”

He picks at the scab on his thumb, tries to distract himself from how much he feels like crying. “And you’re right. I’ve gotten more agitated and irritable ever since your mom moved out. I’m really sorry, I really am. I wish I could do better, for all of you.” He takes a couple of seconds, tries to hold back from plunging into self-pity. Juhyun doesn’t need to feel sorry for him, it’s not her responsibility to take on her narrow shoulders. “And I promise I will.”

“And I know it’s tough, not having her here. I promise you will see her more often in the future, once she figures things out. I’m sorry it can’t be now and I’m sorry she can’t move back in, but once we get through this… once the hard part is over, everything is going to be better than it was. She’s going to be happier, now, and will do all sorts of special things with you girls.”

He can’t entirely believe his own words, because the way that his ex-wife has been avoiding the topic of seeing the girls, doing activities with them… But no, he must fight for his girls. Because even despite the divorce, they still have every right to have their mother still there for them.

“I know you probably feel angry with me, maybe with her too. And that’s alright. But I just want you to know that I love you, very very much, and she loves you too. I will do everything that I can to make things better.”

The silence is deafening, but he doesn’t know what else to say. He’s not fine, and he’s exhausted his reserve of things to say to an upset child. But he waits, lets Juhyun mull things over, gives her time.

“I just miss her, and you’re not her.” 

Her words are a slap across the face, so full of raw emotion, and Juhyun bursts into tears under the blankets. Junmyeon just sits there, stunned, biting his inner cheek to try and control himself. He needs to be strong, he has to.

“Juhyunnie…” He stands up, takes a step towards the bed, but her words make him halt immediately. “Don’t touch me! I don’t want to talk to you right now! Go away!”

His shoulders drop, and he hangs his head down. It feels like giving up on her, it feels like an absolute failure, but he knows that he can’t push. Can’t make her accept his love, the comfort he could hopefully provide.

“Alright. Come find me when you want to talk to me. I love you.” And he walks out of the room, slowly, closing the door behind himself even though it shatters his heart to leave his baby girl alone like so, and walks downstairs barely holding it together.

Later, when Yerim and Sooyoung come looking for him in the kitchen, he blames the onions for the tears on his cheeks.

*

It’s a few days later, as he’s watching over his girls while they’re jumping on the trampoline in the backyard, that he’s approached by Jongin and Minseok. They walk over to the fence, all smiles, Jongin’s arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders. In all honesty, Junmyeon’s initial reaction is to try and hide, but he realizes that there’s nowhere for him to run after he’s already made eye contact with them. He tells Seulgi, Seungwan, Sooyoung and Yerim to be careful, and heads on over to where the couple is standing, nervously pulling the long sleeves of his sweater to cover his hands.

He hasn’t seen Minseok or Jongin since the fateful Sunday, and he wasn’t looking forward to it either. He doesn’t know how much of the argument Minseok witnessed, but even a little bit is too much. By no means is he trying to pretend to be the perfect father, but even so. He doesn’t want them to think badly of him.

Junmyeon just wants to make others around him happy so, so bad.

“Hi, how’s it going,” he says in greeting, smiling anxiously. “Is the house coming along nicely?”

Minseok is watching him with sharp eyes, but there’s that warm openness in Jongin that Junmyeon has already learnt to associate with the man. “We’ve settled in, finally!” he says with a laugh, squeezing Minseok closer to him on instinct. “Got all the furniture and stuff, too. It looks and feels like a home. I love it.”

“Meanwhile I’ve already grown to despise the commute,” Minseok complains, but with the way that he says it, it’s obvious that he doesn’t mean it at all. “It takes up so much of my time.”

Junmyeon glances at his girls, picks at a loose thread on his sweater. “Yeah, but you get used to it. Have you met the other neighbors already?” He hasn’t spotted either Jongin or Minseok outside in the past days, much less making small talk with the people that he knows live in the surrounding houses. He wonders how the families are taking it- the fact that a gay couple moved in so close. He can’t judge too well, he doesn’t know those people personally, has never been so good at making casual acquaintances.

“Not really,” Jongin admits, waving his hand back at Yerim and Sooyoung who were waving at them in greeting in the middle of jumping. “But speaking of getting to know people, we were wondering if we could invite you to hang out with us sometime. Just you, or you and the girls. We’d love to have you.”

“Oh,” Junmyeon says intelligently, and sneaks a glance at Minseok who’s looking at him intently, the smile on his face friendly and sincere. “The girls are so loud though, and such a hassle… I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.”

“Then come over alone, if you can,” Minseok says with a voice that implies that he won’t take no for an answer. “After you’ve put them to bed. You’d just be in the next house over, and I’m sure your girls have phones. Nothing could happen to them, at all. It’s not even a thirty second walk from our house to yours.”

That’s true. Junmyeon looks over at his girls again; they’re all jumping enthusiastically, playing a strange version of dodgeball with their own rules, laughing and giggling merrily. It’s been… It’s been a long time, since he had any time to himself, without his girls. It’s scary, but a big part of him craves it now that the opportunity has been presented to him. He wouldn’t have to even ask Jongdae to babysit the girls for him, which is nice. Surely Juhyun could watch over them all, make sure that Sooyoung and Yerim are alright.

The guilt jabs at him. Does he have any right to be enjoying himself? What has he done right to deserve it? But he ignores it, something in him desperate for the company that Jongin and Minseok could provide. Just one night of talking, maybe a glass of wine. Nothing too wild.

He nods his head, smiles, and he can almost feel the laugh lines around his eyes all crinkle up as he does. Time hasn’t been so kind to him. “I’ll make it happen. What do you say, would Friday night be alright? I can’t be away if it’s a school night.”

“Perfect,” Minseok readily agrees, and reaches over to squeeze his shoulder with a firm hand before pulling out his phone and holding it out for Junmyeon. “Punch in your number for me, and we’ll decide the details later, alright?”

Junmyeon’s smile deepens. “Yes, hyung.” He saves his number on Minseok’s phone and then calls his own, letting the call go unanswered wherever he’s left his phone at. Jongin wastes no time and shoves his phone into his hand as well, demanding that he should get his number as well. “It’s not fair if only hyung has it and not me,” he says, the scowl on his face not nearly as intimidating as he probably would like it to be. 

They bid good night then, and something inside Junmyeon is bubbling, eager, excited. He hasn’t had plans to look forward to in so, so long, and he feels a little bit giddy.

Juhyun isn’t so thrilled, of course. She’s a big help usually, doing things around the house and watching over her sisters, but as of late every time Junmyeon asks anything of her, she’s unhappy. Junmyeon tries to accommodate, tries to be patient, and tries to make it all worth her while in different ways. It’s just grating on his soul that he can’t make his eldest daughter happy no matter what, but he hopes that when this stage of puberty passes, things will be alright once more.

So when Friday night comes, he tucks Sooyoung and Yerim in bed as usual, reads bedtime stories and lulls them to sleep. He checks up on the twins and reminds them that they can’t be up too late, and pops into Juhyun’s room to once more tell her to contact him if anything at all comes up. It’s only then that he finally leaves the house, feeling ill at ease with this; it’s been years since he’s went out on a Friday night, without his girls, to go and kick back with people his age. His friends. He’s wound up with nerves and worry, although he reminds himself that he’s practically still at home, that’s how close he’s going to be. The girls will be fine.

Jongin opens the door for him when he rings the doorbell, and envelops him in a bear hug. “So glad you could make it!” he says, laughing that beautiful laugh of his, and Junmyeon is reeling from the physical contact. No one but his own daughters have touched him in so, so long, yet here Jongin and Minseok are, initiating touches at every turn. He tries not to be flustered, but it’s so hard not to.

Jongin ushers him inside and into the living room, and Minseok is there, sitting on the couch with a glass of red wine in his hand, scrolling through his phone with the other. But he puts both of those down when he sees Junmyeon appear with Jongin, and he stands up to hug Junmyeon as well like it’s completely natural. “One a scale of one to ten, how worried about your girls are you right now?” he asks with mirth when he pulls back. “Because we do have hard liquor, if you need a shot or two to take the edge off.”

Junmyeon laughs, and sinks into the couch, acutely aware of just how tired he is. The dinner time was tough, as none of the girls wanted to eat what he had made, and that completely drained him of what was left after the exhausting week. “Ah, I think wine would be just fine. I haven’t had alcohol in ages and I’ve always been a lightweight, so it’s better not to risk anything.”

Minseok and Jongin sit down on both sides of him, and Jongin expertly pours him a glass from the bottle on the coffee table. There are snacks laid out as well, and to Junmyeon’s delight, many of them are Korean. He accepts the glass gratefully and takes a measured sip, wincing a little at the pungent taste. It really has been a while. Both of his hosts laugh, but it’s so fond that he can’t be upset at all.

“You guys never told me what you do for work,” he says, then, to initiate conversation. Jongin chuckles and nods. “Yeah, I guess we didn’t- I’m a pediatrician, actually, and I work at a private clinic a couple of my friends own. Minseok hyung works in HR for a big company that I always forget the name of.”

Minseok sends a playful glare Jongin’s way before turning to face Junmyeon again. “But you didn’t tell us about your job either. I feel like all questions you want to ask us, you have to answer for yourself as well.”

He’s right. They really don’t know much about one another, aside from what they talked about last week when he was here with his girls. “A boring office job,” he says with a shrug. “I’m the head of my department but, yeah. Accounting, paper work, that sort of thing.”

It was always something his ex-wife hated about him, how unambitious his job was. She would have preferred him to be doing something worth bragging about. Junmyeon supposes that his mother shares that sentiment.

They talk about work for a while, just complaining and venting for a bit. It’s Friday after all, and him and Minseok are done with their work week; Jongin, as it turns out, has a bit more irregular schedule because the clinic is open on the weekends as well, although he doesn’t have to be on-call. And silly as it is, it feels good to talk about adult things such as work life; once more, it’s something he’s been deprived of for a long while now. Him and Minseok especially have a lot in common when it comes to their jobs, although it’s clear that Minseok actually loves his job and is rather passionate about it. Junmyeon hasn’t felt that way about his job in years, not that he minds. He doesn’t really need his job to be exciting, especially right now.

The wine gives him a soft buzz and a gentle glow, his cheeks turning pink, which both Minseok and Jongin coo over like it’s the cutest thing they ever saw. “Pace yourself though, have something to eat,” Jongin insists even as he pours Junmyeon another glass. 

The topic drifts off to their hobbies (Junmyeon, for obvious reasons, has none) and then from one thing to another, aimlessly, but it feels comfortable. It’s like they’ve known each other forever. Maybe it’s the familiarity of the language that makes it so, or perhaps it’s how genuine and unreserved both Minseok and Jongin are. It’s easy to talk to them, when they listen to him so earnestly and share their lives with him so openly.

“It’s not always so simple, being a gay couple,” Minseok admits. The look he gives Jongin though, is full of love. “Not even here in Canada. I could not stand it in Korea- I haven’t lived there since I was 15, but I’ve been back often enough to know that not a lot has changed.”

Junmyeon nods, swirls the contents of his glass around before taking a sip. He’s gotten tipsy enough that the taste of wine no longer bothers him. “I think I have an idea of what you’re talking about. I’ve been the talk of the town ever since my divorce became public. They think they’re discreet, but they’re really not. Not to say that a divorce and being gay are comparable difficulties, but you know…” He’s not sure they know. He shouldn’t have said that. He’s about to apologize for his carelessness, when Minseok pulls him in closer with an arm around him, protective and gentle.

“We get you,” he says softly. “We do. You have been scrutinized and judged for something that isn’t anything bad at all, much like we have been. You know how it’s like when people talk about things that they have no right to be talking about.”

Jongin scoots in closer, his warm eyes gazing at Junmyeon. “Hyung, can I ask… You’re taking care of the girls alone, right? How long have you been doing that?”

If it were anyone else asking that, Junmyeon might balk, grit his teeth and spit out an answer of any kind and then forcibly change subjects. But both Jongin and Minseok have been earnest with him, and he thinks they deserve an honest answer. He wants to be honest, for once in his life; he pretends so much, pretends to be happy, pretends to be strong… For once he doesn’t want to do so.

“It’s been six months, give or take,” he says, before emptying his wine glass in one gulp. “Since Hyeri moved out officially. But she was away a lot even prior to that. And yes, I’m the official caretaker. She still has custody of the children, too, but the kids live with me.”

He knows that it shocked a lot of people, that the husband would be the one to stay and take care of the girls. But really, it was the only solution. Hyeri for sure was not going to look after them, didn’t want anything to do with them- Junmyeon swallows heavily, thinking back to the way she screamed at him about how having children ruined her and her life. He’s sure that she loves them all the same, but on the day-to-day basis… she could not stand the thought of being responsible for them.

Minseok rubs his shoulder, then his side. The warmth of the touch makes something waver within Junmyeon, makes him unconsciously lean against him more heavily. “Does she participate, in any way? I don’t think we’ve seen her or anything…”

He shakes his head. “No. She promised she would take the girls over for weekends sometimes when she got herself a place big enough to do that but…” He swallows again, rubs at his eyes. “So far she hasn’t done that. I try to be understanding, but the girls miss her.”

Jongin scoots even closer so that he, too, can place his hand on Junmyeon, his hand warm and solid on his slim thigh. “Of course they do,” he agrees, his voice heavy with sincere emotion. “But it’s not fair to you, either, hyung.”

Perhaps it isn’t, but Junmyeon isn’t allowed to think about such things, isn’t allowed to feel sorry for himself. He’s afraid that if he starts, he won’t be able to stop, and then how is he going to keep marching forward? His girls need him. 

“It’s okay,” he insists, his voice small. Something in him craves to simply curl up small here, rest in between Minseok and Jongin, not get up to face the day tomorrow. He tells himself that it’s just the wine talking. “It’s okay. I’m fine.”

Minseok’s hand slides into his hair, strokes the long locks of hair. He hasn’t even had time to get a haircut, recently. “Just know that hyung is here for you,” he says, and again, he makes it sound so natural. Like Minseok is a friend who came back from a long trip, and is weaving his way back into his life. “Jongin, too. We wouldn’t mind watching over the girls, for instance. And we would like to make this a weekly thing as well, if possible.”

He knows he ought to refuse, ought to say he doesn’t need any help or pity, but he’s too weak. Too tired. He just nods obediently. It can’t hurt to have friends, can it… 

“But that’s enough about sad things already,” he says then, and intentionally sits up straighter, lowers his shoulders until his posture is perfect once more. “I think I have time for one more glass of wine, before I have to go. How about it?”

Jongin and Minseok are graceful enough to allow him to change the topic, although they do not move further away from him, not even an inch. 

*

September turns into October in a flurry of routines, routines, and unexpected emergencies that are typical to arise when you have five children to look after. Junmyeon keeps doing his best, keeps pushing forward, even though when he lays down his limbs feel like lead pulling him down into his bed, like he’s sinking into a pool and doesn’t know how to get up anymore.

It feels like drowning, all of this, but there’s no way out.

The highlight of his week is always meeting with Minseok and Jongin. Their Friday nights together have become almost sacred, and every time they have to cancel plans, the week feels so much heavier, longer, more exhausting. It’s not that Junmyeon vents to them about his troubles because he does not, cannot, but just the fact that they’re there, that they care is enough. They get to know each other better over food and wine, and sometimes soju if any one of them has made it to Koreatown that week, and slow but steady they become friends, rather than just simply neighbours. 

He discovers so much about the handsome couple. He leans that Jongin indeed was born and raised in Canada, which is why his command of Korean is not quite as good as that of Minseok’s or even Junmyeon’s; he learns that Jongin loves dogs and Minseok loves cats, which is the only thing they ever argue about and also the reason why they haven’t been able to decide on a pet yet; he discovers that Jongin is the more romantic one while Minseok is infinitely more manly and a true handyman as well. Minseok even fixes his kitchen sink for him, when it starts leaking, and ruffles Junmyeon’s hair so, so affectionately afterwards as he teases him about being such a capable dad but so awful at manual labor.

And really, it’s the affection that is the best and the worst part about it all. He hasn’t received this many hugs, shoulder bumps, pats on the back, arms around his shoulders in years and years, and it continues to make him absolutely flustered. He figures that it doesn’t mean anything, it can’t mean anything, yet sometimes… Sometimes he wonders if Minseok’s teasing is in fact flirtatious, or if the way Jongin looks at him is entirely without want. But really, it must be his foolish imagination, and the alcohol. That is the explanation for all this.

The advancing autumns means a lot of things, but most unfortunately it also means the flu season arrives. It starts from Yerim, who comes home from kindergarten sniveling and coughing quietly. She’s still her bright self, and Junmyeon hopes for the best, that it will pass without much complications. He makes her take some vitamin C that night and makes everyone a cup of ginger and lemon tea, to hopefully help and prevent the other girls from falling ill. 

Yerim comes to wake him up that night, coughing and complaining about feeling unwell. Junmyeon only has to place his hand on her forehead to know that she’s taken a turn for the worse; she’s developed a fever, now. He’s exhausted to the bone but says nothing of it and instead scoops her up in his arms, and takes her downstairs so he can give her the proper medication. She whines and complains about the taste of the cough syrup but swallows it down like a good girl, and afterwards Junmyeon sits with her in the living room. They have a rocking chair that they bought when Juhyun was born, and he sits in it, rocking back and forth until Yerim quiets down and falls asleep against his shoulder and he too falls asleep like that, too exhausted to get back to bed until the wee hours of the morning when he wakes up with an intense headache and a crick in his neck.

Junmyeon goes and tucks Yerim in his own bed so her coughing wouldn’t disturb Sooyoung, and goes back downstairs. He does chores quietly, cooks breakfast, putters around the house to get things done while he still can. If more of the girls fall ill, he doesn’t know how he’s going to manage but he’ll have to make do. 

Everyone else seems to be feeling fine that morning, and he sends them to school as usual, calling in for work and also letting Yerim’s kindergarten know that she won’t be coming in that day. At least Yerim is an easy patient; despite her fever only getting higher and her coughs more terrible, she’s happy for as long as she can be close to her dad. Junmyeon is more than happy to provide that to her, carrying her with him and reading to her on the couch, or watching cartoons with her while working on some things for work on his laptop. 

All in all, it’s not a bad day.

But the following night, Yerim has more trouble sleeping, and now also Sooyoung is coughing, which Junmyeon can hear even outside her room. Soon, he has two little patients in his arms, both finding it hard to find any rest even with the medicine he’s given them, and even when one is sleeping, the other one is awake and crying, whining for him to make it better.

Nothing hurts more than knowing that his children are feeling unwell, and not being able to do anything about it. 

In the morning, he’s a zombie, just stumbling through the motions of preparing breakfast. He brews himself double the amount of coffee he usually does, gulping it down like his life depends on it. At least Yerim and Sooyoung are both asleep in his bed, for now at ease. He wakes up the twins and Juhyun, and sits down with them to eat breakfast which he hasn’t been able to do in ages. It feels strange, to say the least, to have breakfast together on a weekday, although he’d rather sleep than eat. He doesn’t give his girls the usual kisses he typically does as he’s afraid of spreading germs he might have gotten from his two youngest, although he knows that it’s a lost cause. The girls are probably already infected, the flu just hasn’t manifested yet. He reminds them to call him at any time of the day if they start feeling feverish, promising to come pick them up from school if need be.

They’re running low on food and tissues, but Junmyeon feels awful about the thought of taking Yerim and Sooyoung with him to run errands. He couldn’t possibly leave them at home, but bringing them along would deny them the rest they so desperately need. It’s a hopeless conundrum, and eventually he admits defeat. He needs to ask for help. 

His first instinct is to call Jongdae. Jongdae is a friend from college and godfather to all the girls. He was only meant to be Juhyun’s godfather, initially, but he proclaimed that he couldn’t show such favoritism when all of Junmyeon’s girls turned out to be so cute, and so he became everyone’s godfather. It’s a bit of a weird situation, but Junmyeon doesn’t mind, because he wouldn’t have had enough friends or relatives to ask for the important position. Jongdae does a good enough job anyway, and does his best to babysit for him when he can so that Junmyeon could catch a break.

Jongdae picks up only after a couple of rings, bless him, and Junmyeon skips the pleasantries to explain his situation to him. “So I was wondering if you could watch over the girls for an hour or two, so I could make a quick run to the grocery store? Or go to the store for me, either way. Please, Jongdae, I need your help.”

There’s a moment of silence, and then Jongdae sighs heavily. “Hyung- I’m out of town for the next week or so. I’m so sorry. Look, hyung-”

“Ah, no, no,” Junmyeon hurries to interrupt him, now embarrassed that his request was rejected. It doesn’t matter that Jongdae has to refuse because of the circumstances, no; he’s embarrassed regardless, and kicks himself mentally for even reaching out. He’s an adult, he should be handling his life on his own. Without help. “It’s alright. We’ll manage. Um, I’ll call you later, thanks Jongdae. Bye.” And he ends the call, just like that, tossing his phone away.

He could call Hyeri, but he dismisses the thought instantly. He doesn’t want to bother her, can’t bother her. He’s on his own.

He scraps together enough ingredients to cook for Yerim and Sooyoung, and skips lunch himself. His little patients are still feeling pretty awful, but at least watching TV keeps them somewhat entertained. In the afternoon, once Juhyun and the twins come back from school, Junmyeon dashes out of the house to drive off to the store, leaving the kids to their own devices even if it sits ill with him. 

That night it’s Seulgi who falls sick. Junmyeon is once more sitting in the living room with Sooyoung in his arms, Yerim fast asleep on the couch for now, when Seulgi comes downstairs looking for him. 

“Dad?” she calls out from the staircase, tiptoeing closer. Junmyeon looks up from where he was trying to rock Sooyoung to sleep, and frowns as she hacks painfully into her fist. Oh no. He shifts Sooyoung onto one hip as he stands up, even though both of his arms and his back are protesting against the weight, and walks up to Seulgi to place a hand on her forehead. Just as he suspected, she has also developed a fever.

“Let daddy make it better,” he says with a quiet voice, leading her to the kitchen with an arm around her shoulders.

At least Seulgi is the last one to get so ill. Seungwan and Juhyun get away with stuffy noses and slightly sore throats, and Yerim’s fever breaks the next day. Nonetheless, Junmyeon is stuck at home tending to his girls, staying up nights trying to somehow relieve their discomfort and pain, and spending his days trying to get work done on his laptop while also doing chores. He’s only functioning on autopilot now, even more exhausted than he ever thought possible, and all of his muscles ache from carrying the girls around so much. Or so he thinks, and isn’t initially wrong about it either, until he wakes up and can’t get out of bed.

He’s been tired before, but this is something else entirely. All of his joints feel like they were bent backwards and then stitched back together somehow, and all of his muscles are sore, no, in severe pain. His throat is on fire and blocked with thick mucus that he tries to hack up but it won’t budge. He’s shivering even though he’s pulled all of the blankets on top of his body, but his clothes are clammy with sweat. 

In his delirious state, he almost doesn’t put two and two together, but as he stares at the ceiling while struggling to keep his eyes open, he understands that he’s also gotten ill. Thinking back, he was coughing yesterday, but didn’t have time to think anything of it then. Now, it looks like the flu has fully caught up with him.

He doesn’t know how long he drifts in and out of this weird state of unconsciousness, but he’s brought back to reality by small hands shaking him. Junmyeon blinks once, twice, before recognizing Sooyoung. Right- she was sleeping next to him. 

“Dad, your alarm is ringing!”

Junmyeon squints his eyes at her, trying to make sense of her words, and finally his brain connects the dots. Fuck, the fever has already fried his brain. He grumbles something unintelligible, and rolls over with a muffled cry of pain to try and swat at his phone. He only manages to knock it off the bedside table and onto the floor, out of his reach, but he still can’t push himself up. It’s like someone cut the cords between his brain and his limbs. Everything is too heavy, too painful. 

“Go wake up Juhyun eonni,” he croaks, closing his eyes. “Go wake her up… Tell her to come here…”

Sooyoung pats his cheek and then disappears. The ringing of his alarm almost gets lost in the white noise in his head, until it suddenly stops and then Juhyun jerks him awake once more. 

“Dad?” she sounds concerned, which hurts. Another failure. Junmyeon swallows thickly and peels his eyes open to look up at her blearily. He just can’t get the fog to disappear.  
“I’ve gotten sick,” he murmurs, and once more makes an attempt to sit up but can’t even get his elbow underneath himself. “Can you…” Can Juhyun what? What is there to do? Call 911? Ridiculous. He needs to pause and think, try and figure this out.

“Are uncles home? Next door?”

He doesn’t want to ask them for help, doesn’t want to bother them, but they’re the only ones who could help- granted that either one of them is at home.

Juhyun goes to the window and peers outside, because Minseok and Jongin’s driveway is visible from Junmyeon’s window. She nods her head. “Yeah, there’s one car parked outside. Do you want me to go and get uncle Jongin or uncle Minseok?”

“Yes, please,” Junmyeon manages in a whisper, and watches Juhyun sprint away. She looks so, so worried, but Junmyeon doesn’t even have the strength to comfort her right now. His divorce has forced her to become a big girl too early.

Minutes pass, and he focuses on just breathing. Breathing, even though hot tears burn in his eyes, threatening to spill over with each blink. He just feels so miserable, so fucking helpless. Look at him, bedridden like this, having to beg his neighbors to help because no one else will… How did it come to this?

Eventually Junmyeon can hear Juhyun climb up the stairs, her voice talking to someone whose low murmur is too soft to catch his ears. His bedroom door is pushed open and Juhyun steps inside with someone tall behind her- as Junmyeon blinks his eyes into focus, he recognizes Jongin standing there, looking slightly disheveled like he was just in the middle of eating breakfast or something equally nice and normal. 

He tries to lift up a hand in greeting, but it falls back down limp on the bed and causes him to groan in pain. Jongin strides over to him with a sense of urgency to him, a serious set to his shoulders and his brows, and he leans over Junmyeon, examining him closely with dark eyes. He places a hand on Junmyeon’s forehead, and his frown only deepens. 

“How long have you been sick, Junmyeon-ah?” he asks, stroking Junmyeon’s damp hair away from his face. “Dunno,” is all Junmyeon can say. “It’s just the flu…” He’s interrupted by violent, hacking coughs, unable to say anything else. Jongin lifts him up into his strong arms, holding him upright while he coughs and patting him on the back firmly, Junmyeon’s forehead resting against his solid shoulder until the coughing fit passes. 

Jongin adjusts the pillows and lays him back down, pulls the covers up higher. But even knocked out like this, Junmyeon still has his priorities straight. “The girls,” he whispers, eyes threatening to slip closed. “School…”

“I’ll send your girls to school, and then take care of you. Juhyun said that her sisters have been ill, so some of them will stay at home, right?” Jongin sounds so confident, is taking the reins so easily, and Junmyeon wants to cry as the worries are lifted off his shoulders. “I’ll call Minseok hyung, too. Don’t worry, we’ll get you feeling better in no time. I’m a pediatrician, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to treat adults as well.” He laughs quietly, tucks him in even better. “Sleep now, if you can. I’ll be back in a moment.”

Junmyeon would try and micromanage Jongin, would try and give him more instructions, but he’s entirely too weak to even do that. Sleep takes over as soon as his eyes are closed, and the next time he comes to is when Yerim, Sooyoung, and Seulgi come in, Jongin in tow. The girls all get on the bed and cuddle up to him, while Jongin sits down on the other side of him.

“The girls wanted to help me take care of you,” Jongin says with a smile. “Here, someone can put this cold cloth on his forehead while I give him the medicine he needs.”  
And they take such good care of him, all four of them; he’s in and out of sleep, or fever induced haze, for the entirety of the day, only brought back to his senses when he’s being given medicine or is spoon fed food or made to drink water. Everything still hurts, his body is still too heavy to move, but every time he opens his eyes Jongin is there with the girls, soothing him.

Minseok arrives in the afternoon, brings groceries and supplies from their own house, and takes over the children for Jongin so that he can focus all of his attention to tending to Junmyeon since he’s the one most in need of medical care. But Jongin is sure to update him every time he wakes up; tells him that Minseok is playing with the girls, that Seungwan and Juhyun are back from school, that Minseok is making dinner for them all. That the girls are doing their homework, that everything’s okay and he doesn’t have to worry.

The girls come in to kiss him goodnight when it’s their bedtime, and Junmyeon summons all of his strength to at least hug them back. He feels better in some ways and worse in others, but he tries to put up a strong front for his girls, wishing them all night night and promising them that dad will feel better in the morning.

He’s lulled to sleep by Jongin’s soft humming while Jongin is changing out the sheets in his bed, after Jongin has already wiped down his body with a wet towel and helped him get dressed into clean pajamas instead of the gross, sweaty ones he was in all day. And it feels so safe, listening to someone putter and bumble around him, listening to someone else’s voice and to know that his girls are being taken care of, that he’s taken care of- it feels so good, but he doesn’t have the time to cry because of it, before he passes out once more, curled up small in his bed entirely too wide for anyone to sleep in by themselves.


	3. Chapter 3

Junmyeon wakes up that night, disoriented and uncomfortable. He’s shivering but his skin is clammy with sweat, and coughing causes pain to explode from deep in his chest. He struggles to sit up, dizzy and disgusting, hacking and gasping for air in between. 

Someone sits up next to him in the bed, startling him, but he can’t even raise a hand to try to defend himself. But then warm hands grip his shoulders, smooth down his back. “Easy, easy does it…” and at least the voice is familiar. Jongin. The memories come back in bits and pieces- right, Jongin and Minseok are both here. 

Minseok sits up as well from the far side of the bed, but Junmyeon can’t hear what he says to Jongin. “Cough syrup and meds for his fever,” Jongin replies, still trying to soothe Junmyeon’s painfully coughs. Minseok walks out of the room, the light from the hallway streaming in through the open door. 

The coughs don’t subside and Junmyeon is starting to panic a little bit, hands grasping at the sheets before he finds Jongin’s thigh, and grips it as tight as he can, knuckles turning white. Jongin collects him in his arms, holds him close, Junmyeon’s head on his broad chest. “You’re gonna be alright, it’s alright, I got you,” Jongin keeps whispering in his ear, keeps rocking him from side to side. “You’re not going to choke, it’s just the phlegm, it’s really thick and sticky. You’re going to be okay, I’ve got you.”

The hacking gets more and more uncomfortable, and turns into small gags that have him even more freaked out. But Jongin still remains calm, helps him through the worst with firm pats in between his shoulder blades, holding him upright and steady. Minseok comes back in and puts the medicine down on the nightstand, hovering near like he’s unsure of what to do, a worried look on his face. 

“It’s alright, it’s just a coughing fit, it’s gonna pass any moment now.”

And eventually it does, leaving Junmyeon shaking and with tears in his eyes, doing his best to do as Jongin tells him and regulate his breathing instead of gasping for it like he wants to. He feels spineless in Jongin’s arms, can’t hold himself upright on his own, but Jongin doesn’t make a single move to let go of him, his arms steady around him. Minseok holds the glass of water to his lips, lets him have some measured sips of water, before giving him the medication.

Jongin helps him blow his nose while Minseok leaves the room again to get a cold press for Junmyeon’s forehead and the vapor rub. Junmyeon doesn’t even have it in him to feel embarrassed when Minseok unbuttons his pajama shirt and rubs the ointment on for him, his deft hands sure and solid against his skinny chest.

It’s when Jongin goes to lay him down again that he bursts into tears, helpless and overwhelming tears like his girls would cry, not very fitting for a grown-up man. He presses his hands over his face to hide how hideous it must look, but even though he has the presence of mind to be self-conscious, he can’t control his emotions. Perhaps it’s how tired he is, because he is more exhausted than he ever remembers being, or the medication that has him so weak and vulnerable, or just the fever- he isn’t sure, can’t pick these feelings apart to be able to tell.

Jongin scoops him back up, holds him close to his chest once more, and Minseok wraps him up in a blanket from behind, both of them tucking him inside the duvet like a baby being swaddled. Somehow, this only makes him cry harder, his tears and snot running down his face in a disgusting mess that Jongin patiently wipes away with a tissue over and over again. 

Minseok presses against his back from behind, strokes his sweaty hair back. “Junmyeon-ah… Tell hyung, what’s the matter? Does it hurt? Are you in pain?”

And he is, he is in pain, but on the inside, where no doctor can reach. It’s going to be humiliating when he feels less delirious, when he’s back to his senses, but right now he can’t hold back. He did such a meticulous job at building up his walls to make sure they’d never crack, that nothing would ever come through, but here he is, breaking apart despite all of that. What a wasted effort it has been.

“I’m just so tired,” he says in between snivels. “So, so tired… When will this get easier, when will it finally be over…”

Jongin and Minseok understand, without him having to say it, that he’s not talking about the flu. No, he’s talking about his entire life, his very existence that has become so bleak no matter how he tries to look at it. 

“I can’t do this anymore, I can’t, I can’t, it’s too difficult. The girls hate me, Hyeri hates me, everyone hates me, I can’t do anything right-” the rest gets garbled as his sobs take over once more and he curls up even smaller. But no matter how small he tries to be, he still feels so exposed, yet can’t stop the avalanche now that it has begun. 

“No one hates you,” Minseok murmurs softly, but Junmyeon refuses to listen. “Hyeri said I ruined her life! Her entire life!” he whimpers. “She said she wished she never married me, never had children with me… She said it’s all my fault that we had to get divorced, because I wasn’t there for her, because I didn’t do enough… I wasn’t enough, never enough, no matter how hard I tried…”

He tried, all those 15 years of marriage. He tried his best, his hardest, but Hyeri was never truly happy. The knowledge of that ate at him at night, kept hollowing him out. Why it took Hyeri so long to leave him, he doesn’t know. For the girls? But if it was the children that made her stay, then why does she want nothing to do with them now? Junmyeon is too tired, sick and tired of trying to understand.

She made him doubt everything about himself. The way he looks, his job, him as a father, everything. The feeling of never being good enough, it sunk deep into him, and each and every day as a single father has only solidified that. He’s never enough.

“People say all kinds of things when they’re upset and hurt,” Jongin says quietly, lips moving against Junmyeon’s forehead. “And no matter how she might feel about you now, she must have loved you at the beginning. Why else would she have married you? There’s nothing to hate about you, Junmyeon.”

“She said I held her back, stopped her from reaching her goals,” Junmyeon continues to cry, unable to find any comfort in Jongin’s words even though they’re true. “She said this wasn’t a life she wanted… That I wasn’t what she wanted, and I know that… I just wanted to make her happy and I couldn’t, and I can’t make my girls happy either, and they will grow up to resent me…”

Later, he will think back to the words he spoke and see how melodramatic he was, how deep in self-pity he was wallowing, but right now these words are all true. They’re true to him, even if he didn’t say them out loud, no matter how exaggerated they may sound, the reality of what he thinks of himself.

“But I don’t understand… it was always her who wanted more children, and I said yes, and she wanted a career and I changed my hours so I could be home more, take a bigger responsibility of the children… She wanted this house and we bought it, she wanted everything and I gave her it all, and still it wasn’t- she still left me.”

He sacrificed himself, thinking it would make her stay. He gave his all, and more, but his shortcomings always mattered more. Looking back, he’s not sure when doing those things out of love turned into doing it out of fear, but what does it matter now that it’s all over? Junmyeon, too, knows that he hasn’t loved Hyeri in years, but it’s the constant feeling of failure and loneliness that have him so broken.

Minseok and Jongin both hug him tighter simultaneously, and the tight grip around him helps him feel grounded, helps him calm down a little bit. The medicine is kicking in, making him sleepy once more. “You’ve been shouldering so much by yourself for so long,” Minseok murmurs, quiet and sad. “Hyung is so sorry to hear that. But now, you’re not alone anymore. We will help, as best as we know how. And Junmyeon-ah, you deserve so much. You deserve someone whose dreams don’t mean sacrificing your own, someone who will never make you feel like you’re not good enough. Because you’re so, so good, Jun, you really are.”

“I second that,” Jongin says, and somehow he sounds almost like he’s close to tears, but Junmyeon is too tired to lift his head to see. “Poor baby…”

The pet name makes something warm tug on his heart, but he has exhausted himself too much to say anything more. The medicine is really working now, and his fever and all the crying have drained him entirely. He turns his head to hide his face against the crook of Jongin’s neck, his fingers curling into the fabric of Jongin’s shirt. He can feel Minseok against his back, all warm and solid and comforting, and this feels so nice. He touches his girls all the time, gives them hugs and kisses, but it’s been… He has never been touched quite like this, held like he was small and precious. No one has ever protected him like this. 

It would be so easy to become greedy, to want more of this. Get attached, to both Jongin and Minseok. It should be scary, but right now he cannot feel that. Just for tonight, he wants to pretend, wants to have this. He’s not doing anything forbidden, when it’s the couple who offered, who stayed with him.

Junmyeon isn’t aware of how and when he drifts off, he just does. The rest of the night still isn’t easy, as he keeps waking up to his own coughing, and his fever keeps getting high again every time the medicine wears off. But each time, Jongin or Minseok is there, tending to him and allowing him to stay in bedrest. 

The next day, he’s still sick as a dog, as was to be expected. He still can’t get out of bed, which causes him to panic momentarily, until Minseok and Jongin make it clear that he’s not on his own.

Minseok goes as far as to call in from work, to stay with him and the girls around the clock. Junmyeon tries to resist, but Minseok is much too stubborn. “Someone needs to be here for you, and for the kids,” he says sternly in what Junmyeon has come refer to as his hyung voice. “You can’t get out of bed, Seulgi is still sick, someone needs to take Yerim to the kindergarten, and someone needs to look after you and the girls in the morning and when they come back from school. My workplace can cope without me for a couple of days. I’m certainly not upset about missing some work days.”

“I would stay instead, but I can’t cancel all of my appointments with my patients,” Jongin pipes up from where he’s bustling around the room. “But I will pick Yerim up after work, and be here to help with dinner. It’s going to be fine, hyung. Neither of us could sleep peacefully knowing we left you in such trouble.”

Junmyeon almost cries again out of gratefulness. 

He spends the day mostly napping, although he does feel more alert than he did yesterday. Seulgi is still at home, recovering, and Minseok brings her in to his room to cuddle with him in bed. He claims that it’s easier to take care of them if they’re in the same room, and squeezes into the bed on other side of Junmyeon so they can all watch movies together. Junmyeon ends up cuddled against Minseok’s side and asleep for the most part, sometimes waking up to Minseok chatting quietly with Seulgi, sometimes to Minseok kissing his forehead gently. He tells his feverish brain that it’s just to check his temperature, nothing else. 

Coughing fits are the most painful symptom of all, the hacking paining his sides and his chest, but Minseok coaxes him through them, calms down Seulgi so she doesn’t think her father is about to choke and die even though it sounds like it. “I would be really worried about dad,” Seulgi says after one fit, squeezing Junmyeon’s hand in hers, “if you weren’t here. But you and uncle Jongin are gonna look after him, right? So I’m not worried.”

“That’s right, we’re going to look after your dad,” Minseok murmurs, stroking Junmyeon’s hair affectionately. 

Dinner is a loud ordeal, with all the girls back home and the two extra people. Junmyeon can hear the chitchat all the way upstairs, and feels a pang in his heart that he can’t be there, can’t be there to witness his girls laugh as happily as they seem to be doing. Are his girls ever that happy around him? Do they already like Minseok and Jongin so much more than him? He curls up smaller in the covers, squeezes his eyes shut just in case any tears might try to leak out. He’s not going to cry again, no matter how emotional he might feel due to the exhaustion and illness. 

Why does everything have to be so painful, he wonders, why does everything hurt?

But at least his girls come in to spend time with him after dinner. Yerim and Sooyoung are both all over him, with sticky, warm kisses and excited babbles about their days, both of them wanting to be as close to him as possible. Seulgi isn’t so excited, having spent the day with him, and is browsing her phone on the other side of the bed. Seungwan lies down next to her twin sister and mostly talks with her, although she does want Junmyeon’s opinion on some of the things the boys in their class said or did. Junmyeon isn’t sure if he’s qualified to answer even though he’s technically a boy also, but he tries. Juhyun sits at the foot of the bed, in lotus position, a book balanced on her legs and her phone close, long strands of hair tucked behind her ears, but she does keep stealing glances at Junmyeon. He can’t tell what those mean, but he’s just glad she’s there at all.

It isn’t until Jongin takes Sooyoung and Yerim for their bath, and the twins leave for their room to do something, that Juhyun comes and sits closer to him. Junmyeon smiles at her, but tries not to make a big deal out of it all. He rubs her knee gently, pretending to look at the television so that she doesn’t find his presence too intimidating. 

“I thought you were gonna die, yesterday,” Juhyun says out of the blue, her face tilted down so Junmyeon can’t see her eyes. “Like, when I ran over to get uncle Jongin- I thought you were going to die. I didn’t realize, when I was here, how sick you were, but then I told uncle Jongin and… yeah. It was scary.”

Junmyeon would sit up and pull her into his arms if he could, but he still doesn’t have enough strength for such a maneuver. So he can only squeeze her leg, try to will her to come to his embrace of her free will. She does no such thing. 

“I’m sorry I scared you,” he whispers. “I’m really sorry. You were so brave, doing that. It must have felt terrible but I promise, I wasn’t dying- I’m still not.”

“I know,” Juhyun says, even more quietly. “But dad- I love you. I don’t want you to die.” She scrubs her sleeve over her eyes, and Junmyeon’s heart positively breaks. 

“Come here,” he pleads, and she does; she lays down against him, curling up small there, against his chest, and it reminds him so much of when she used to be smaller- when she was a baby, how she would sleep on his chest, how holding her was the biggest miracle in the entire world. And it still is; that this bright, brave girl is his, his child, it’s unbelievable to think of, and the amount of love he has for her. For all of his girls. His.

“I love you too,” he murmurs, “I love you too,” and he holds her there for the whole five minutes she allows him to before she pulls away and uses homework as excuse, that she needs to go check she did everything she was supposed to. Junmyeon lets her, just lets her go, and barely puts himself back together before Minseok comes to check up on him. 

The couple stays the night again. Jongin is worried he might have another coughing fit by himself, or that his fever might take a turn for the worse, so they refuse to leave. Junmyeon shyly invites them back into his bed like they did last night; yesterday he was too out of it to say this or that about it, but he didn’t mind. Still doesn’t. It felt good to sleep next to someone, and it comforts him to know that help is near should he need it. 

But he does feel the sting of loneliness, laying on one side of the bed, knowing that Minseok and Jongin are cuddled up together- they’re trying to be polite, trying to keep it down, but he didn’t miss the way they hold hands, the kisses they exchanged.

He’s not sure anymore if he’s just jealous of their relationship like he would be of any happy couple, or if he’s jealous that he’s not involved. But it’s such a naughty thought, such a taboo thing to even imagine, that he quickly pushes it aside. 

If he couldn’t make even one partner happy, then how could he possibly please two?

The next day is quite the same, although today it’s just him and Minseok in the house. Seulgi finally recovered enough to go back to school, for which she was quite happy for, feeling left out only hearing things from her twin sister. Junmyeon is glad to know that all the girls are well, but also happy to have company. He’s still not feeling great, and even though he can now walk on his own, he would not have managed to send the girls to school or drive Yerim to kindergarten. 

Minseok helps him downstairs so he can air out Junmyeon’s bedroom. “It smells like sickness in there, and I don’t think that you’re going to get any better if you stay in there,” he insists, tucking Junmyeon in on the sofa with blankets and pillows. “I’ll change out the bedding, clean it a little bit. You just watch more daytime TV down here, alright? I won’t be long.”

“What would I ever do without you, hyung,” Junmyeon sighs, and it comes out too honest, too sincere- too obviously fond. He looks away, his cheeks turning pink, but he hopes that Minseok brushes it off as nothing.

A hand strokes his grimy hair gently, once, twice. “I’m just glad we found you,” is all Minseok says, before he leaves. And Junmyeon is so confused- but he accepts that for what it is, doesn’t allow himself to get hung up on it.

The couple stays for one more night. “You have to rest home tomorrow, and then you can go to work if you must,” Jongin says with his stern doctor voice. “Your fever only went away today, and your body still hasn’t fully recovered. You have to be careful now, give yourself time to fully recover.”

“And eat! You have to eat,” Minseok grumbles as he throws himself on the bed, still wet from his shower. “You weigh as much as Juhyun.”

“I do not,” Junmyeon mutters indignantly. “I just don’t always have time to eat… but I’ll be better.”

“You’d better, or else I’ll have to come over and make sure you do,” Minseok replies.

Is it wrong that Junmyeon kind of wishes he’d make good of his threat, and not just Minseok but Jongin too?

They all lay there, in the dark, and Junmyeon stares at the ceiling silently. They still haven’t talked about his outburst two nights ago, and he wonders… But he’s not sure how he could even begin to explain something he hasn’t been able to talk about to anyone.

“I’m sorry I… just dumped everything on you guys,” he says eventually. It’s been silent for a while, and he’s not sure if they’re awake. “Sending Juhyun to ask for help, and then the whole mental breakdown. I didn’t mean to do it, any of it. I’m sorry.”

Jongin’s hand finds his in the dark, under the covers. “We care about you hyung,” and again, he sounds so sincere. “You’re important to us. You have nothing to say sorry for.”  
“I just want to know… Did she really say all those things to you? Was- Was it all her words?” Minseok is probing, but gently so, and Junmyeon doesn’t have it in him to deflect it. He has already revealed so much, they might as well know it all, well, almost all of it. 

“We had massive fights leading up to the divorce.” He hates to admit it, that he couldn’t make it peaceful and easy. At least they managed to have those arguments without the girls witnessing any of them. “She… I suppose Hyeri had a lot on her mind she hadn’t managed to say. It all came bubbling out of her… I don’t blame her.” And it hadn’t come out as just words either- but that he won’t tell to anyone. 

“Was divorce her idea?”

Junmyeon snorts quietly. “I’m not the type to get a divorce,” he says matter-of-factly. “I… In retrospect, I know I wasn’t happy for a long time. I really wasn’t. And looking back, I understand that she wasn’t happy either. But I would have never made the move to break up with her.”

“I guess what I’m trying to say,” he continues after a thoughtful pause, “is that I’m the type who settles for what I have. And when you’ve been together for so long, you start to think that you can stay like that for the rest of your life. So what, even if you’re not happy? You’ve survived it for so long, so why couldn’t you survive even longer? And you have kids, have the house- I was content to let things be as they were. But I suppose that she eventually realized that she couldn’t survive it any longer after all.”

Minseok rolls over to his side so that he can face Jongin and Junmyeon, even if in the darkness it’s hard to see anything. “But do you believe what she said? Do you believe that it’s all your fault?”

He knows the answer, just doesn’t want to say. He knows that saying it out loud to someone is going to show just how unreasonable it is, yet it’s still true. True to him. 

“Yes,” he whispers, feeling so small. “Usually, yes. Sometimes I get angry… when the girls miss her and she won’t agree to see them, I get angry and I think, maybe it’s not all on me. Maybe she’s not a saint. But honestly- yes.”

Jongin squeezes his hand tighter. “But a relationship goes both ways.” His voice is gentle, but there’s an underlying sense of surety there, one that cannot be argued against. “It’s everyone’s fault and no one’s fault in equal measure. It sounds like you were giving your all to make it work, but she wasn’t giving you anything back. A marriage like that has no chance of succeeding.” 

A pause. Junmyeon can tell Jongin is weighing his next words carefully. “I’ve gotten divorced once, too,” he says then, slow. “I got married at 25, divorced at 28. It- it taught me a lot of difficult lessons, but most importantly that you can move on only after you let go of the guilt and anger. Holding onto those things will only eat at you, weigh you down. Your life begins again if and when you let go.”

Junmyeon jerks up, turning to look at Jongin. He shouldn’t be so taken back, but he can’t help it. All this time, he felt that there was this sense of naïve openness to Jongin, that he was all too sincere and heartfelt for him to have ever experienced any hardship. He thought, bitterly so, that Jongin probably didn’t know much about suffering at all- so he’s speechless, now, to discover this about him. 

“I’m- I’m really sorry to hear that,” he murmurs, lays back down, and squeezes Jongin big hand in his. After a moment of hesitation he shuffles closer so that he can rest his head on Jongin’s shoulder. “I didn’t know.”

“Of course you didn’t,” Minseok says so dryly that both Jongin and Junmyeon have to laugh at it. Minseok lays back down as well, tugs the covers up higher. “But Jonginnie is right. Think about it.”

And while Junmyeon can’t change his way of thinking overnight, the seeds of change have at least been planted now. 

*

Finally, things go back to normal. Junmyeon recovers, and Minseok and Jongin return to their own bed, which pains Junmyeon more than he even allows himself to admit. His bed seems so much bigger now, and it’s overwhelming. It reminds him of how he felt when Hyeri left; even if there hadn’t been any physical affection between them in years, having an empty bed to sleep in still felt so, so lonesome. It’s now lonely once more, but he tries hard not to think about it. 

He falls into routine once more. Sending the girls to school, days at work, evenings spent cooking dinner and spending time with his girls, Friday nights over in the neighbouring house. It’s dull and it’s repetitive, but after being thrown off it all for such a long period of time, he welcomes it. 

It’s Seungwan’s idea to bake a cake for Jongin and Minseok to thank them for their help, which Junmyeon readily agrees with. So they bake a cake, him and all the girls, and deliver it to the couple one afternoon. Of course, Minseok and Jongin both insist that they shouldn’t have, but they have a fun time eating cake in their kitchen while the girls update the couple on what they’ve been up to; they got kind of close with them while they were over at their house to take care of Junmyeon, and have honestly missed them a little bit. Their undivided attention feels special to them, Junmyeon reckons; they don’t have any children of their own but like kids very much, so they have all this energy to be curious and excited about them. They also don’t live with them, so every story the girls have to tell is new, and they don’t know the girls like Junmyeon does, so they have a lot of questions as well. 

Even Juhyun seems eager to talk to them, probably because it’s less embarrassing than talking to her own father. She’s a teenager after all, and talking about boys and things is probably quite burdensome when you have to share that with your own dad; yet she still very much needs and wants support from adults, guidance and opinions she can’t get from her peers. But Junmyeon isn’t jealous, no- he’s just happy that she’s opening up to someone, talking to someone. 

But a week or two later, a day comes where Juhyun has to turn to him for help. 

It’s a Saturday, and the twins are out with their friends. Yerim and Sooyoung are coloring in their room and demanded that Junmyeon doesn’t go and disturb them; apparently they’re making something for him, and Junmyeon would hate to ruin the surprise. So Junmyeon is just doing laundry, sorting through the piles of clothes to separate the whites, the darks and the colored ones from each other. With five girls in the house, there’s always mountains of laundry to get through.

He’s elbow deep in his task, mindlessly sorting items of clothing, when Juhyun appears in the laundry room suddenly, clears her throat. Junmyeon glances up and flashes her a smile before going back to his work. “What’s up,” he asks, wondering if she needs a ride somewhere perhaps.

She squirms a little, rubs at her arm awkwardly. Junmyeon takes note of all this, but pretends not to think much of it. He doesn’t want to put more pressure on her by reacting wrong even before he knows what she wants to say. 

“Dad…”

“Hm?” he continues to toss clothes into different piles, but gives her another smile. 

“Dad, I- I think, I think I just got my period.”

He almost drops the pink sweater he’s holding, the words taking an embarrassingly long time to fully register, what they really mean, and fuck. Fuck. 

It’s so easy to forget how old his girls really are, the changes that they’re going through, Juhyun and the twins especially. They get older so sneakily, and he gets hung up on the idea that they’re all his babies, that they’re still tiny. Curveballs like this have him reeling every time, and he doesn’t know if it’s ever supposed to get easier. 

Juhyun is clearly embarrassed and uncomfortable, shrinking in herself in a manner that reminds Junmyeon of himself, of the pictures of him his mom keeps. And he realizes again how upsetting it is that Hyeri has thrown away all responsibility for the children, hardly keeps in touch- and even if she was, Juhyun would still have to have this conversation with him, as he’s the parent looking after her, buying everything for her. 

“Honey, I- I’m glad you told me.” He puts the sweater down, but isn’t sure if he can hug her. He wants to. “Listen, I don’t think we have any pads or anything, but I’ll drive off to the store right now and pick something up for you, alright?”

She nods timidly, but her expression relaxes a little bit. “Do you… do you know what to get?” she asks, and Junmyeon can’t help but chuckle a little. 

“Juhyunnie, I was married to your mother for 15 years. Trust me, I did have to buy her period products more than once in that time period. I’ll get you a selection of things, so you can start figuring out what you like, what works. And chocolate. I heard it helps, and well, I think chocolate helps with everything anyway.”

She giggles, now, and presses up against his side as he leaves the laundry room, follows him to the front door where he grabs his keys and his wallet, slips on his shoes. “Thank you, dad. Really. I’ll look after Yerim and Sooyoung.”

“Good. Did you call your mom yet?” He doesn’t want to pretend that Hyeri doesn’t exist, doesn’t want to make the girls feel like they should hide being in contact with her when they are, no matter how rare that might be. 

A shake of her head. “I texted her, though,” Juhyun clarifies. “But like, I don’t know what she can really do, like, I know how to use a pad and all, so.”

Junmyeon leans in to kiss her cheek, and is then on his way. He doesn’t want to keep her waiting, and wants to give her a bit of space. It must have taken a lot out of her to come to him, and he’s not sure he did a phenomenal job- but maybe he can get a passing grade, at least. 

As he drives, he wonders what else he ought to do. Throw a party? He’s heard of period parties. Sounds like a nightmare for Juhyun, though, so maybe not. But he could buy a cake- or is that still too much? Maybe he needs to sit her down and give her that ‘you’re a woman now’ speech, not that he has one prepared or anything but he could put one together. But as much as her body might now be mature, she’s only 14… His thoughts are jumbled, even as he pulls up to the store and walks inside. 

Admittedly, it’s been a while since he really had to pay attention at the pads and tampons section. He knew by heart what Hyeri used, after all, and he hasn’t had to buy anything for her in a while either. There’s just so much, a whole isle of products, and for a moment he feels overwhelmed but he steels himself. This is not by any means the hardest thing he’s done for his daughters, and especially Juhyun- since she’s the oldest, she was the one who made him a father and taught him the most. 

He throws a bit of everything into his basket. Night pads, panty liners, tampons… He’s sure this will make more sense to Juhyun, hopefully. He doesn’t forget about the candy, either, and only smiles sheepishly at the cashier who looks at him a bit funny for his purchases. 

At home, he finds Juhyun in Yerim and Sooyoung’s room, who chase their eonni out as soon as Junmyeon pokes his head in- clearly they’re still not ready with their surprise, and Junmyeon would hate nothing more to have that ruined beforehand, so he takes Juhyun back to her room. He hands over the bag of goodies he got, watches her look through it. 

“Just, don’t feel embarrassed to ever ask me for anything,” he says quietly, sincerely. “I know it’s not easy to talk to your dad about these things, but I promise, it’s not weird.”

She glances at him, nods her head, her hair falling as a curtain over her face. “Thanks for being so chill about it. I’ll let you know- I really will.”

Junmyeon wants to say something more- something profound, maybe, something meaningful. But all that comes to mind seems out of place and awkward, and the last thing he wants to do is make her cringe. Maybe the answer will come to him later. 

“Alright. I’ll get back to the laundry.”

When he goes to bed that night, there’s a bar of chocolate left on his pillow with a sticky note on top. It’s Juhyun’s handwriting, just as bad as his own, and it only reads ‘thank you dad’, but the gesture is enough to bring tears to Junmyeon’s eyes. Maybe he does sometimes succeed in being an alright parent, after all. 

*

October finally rolls into November, although Junmyeon only notices the weather getting colder. He hates it- if there’s one complaint about Canada he has, it’s the weather. Why couldn’t his parents move to California instead? Every winter he asks the same question, and asks why he never moved there either, before he gives in and accepts the reality for what it is. 

Weekly visits to Minseok and Jongin’s house have become a big source of comfort for him, a space where he can catch his breath before he throws himself back into his own life, before he goes back to the constant struggle to keep everything from falling apart. They don’t even talk about the hard stuff, not always- sometimes, they just laugh and joke around for the entire evening, but it still helps. It helps to know that there are people out there who like him, who enjoy his company. Who listen to him. 

Jongin shows up one day at his doorstep. They obviously have exchanged phone numbers long time ago, but they live so close that often, simply stopping by feels more natural. Junmyeon has Yerim propped up on his hip and his shirt is dirty, but he tries not to feel too self-conscious. It’s just Jongin- the handsome pediatric, the charming young man from next door, a man in a relationship with another handsome man- shoot. 

“Hyung!” Jongin never fails to sound elated to see Junmyeon. He leans in to grant Yerim a kiss on the cheek, and then playfully pecks Junmyeon’s forehead as well. Junmyeon tries hard not to blush, and fails. “Listen, great news- Minseok hyung got promoted, and we want to celebrate. How about this Friday we go to a restaurant, instead? Dress up a little, have great food, all that jazz. His treat, since his paycheck just got fatter.”

Junmyeon’s eyebrows rise up as his eyes widen in slight surprise. “Jongin- but are you sure you guys don’t want to celebrate it just the two of you? I don’t want to impose-”  
“And how are you imposing, if we’re inviting you?” Jongin laughs, squeezes his shoulder. “We want you to come, seriously. If we want to do something by ourselves, we will, but we seriously want you to come with us this Friday. Hyung already made a reservation.”

Something about this sounds awfully… intimate. What business does he have going to a restaurant with the couple to celebrate a milestone such as this? It sounds like a date, honestly, and Junmyeon doesn’t want to be a third wheel. But Jongin is looking at him so, so hopefully, and he doesn’t have the heart to say no. 

“I’ll see if I can arrange for a babysitter,” he says, instead of committing yet. At least it’s true. He can’t make plans without making sure his girls will be fine. Going to a restaurant means going further away from home than just the next house over. 

“Alright! Text me when you do.” Jongin doesn’t seem at all put out, bless him. He waves goodbye, then, although not before giving Yerim another kiss. If Junmyeon feels a little bit disappointed that he didn’t get another one, he refuses to admit that even to himself. 

Miraculously, Jongdae is in town, and doesn’t have plans. Or maybe he just feels bad for leaving Junmyeon in trouble when the girls got sick. 

“Of course, I’ll come,” he’s quick to promise. “I haven’t been able to see the girls for a long time, I miss them. We’ll have a blast, all of us.”

“Don’t I know it,” Junmyeon smiles softly. Jongdae really does know how to have a good time, and the girls adore him. Much like how they’ve come to adore Minseok and Jongin. “Thanks, Jongdae.”

“No problem, hyung. I’m just glad you’re taking some time to yourself.”

Junmyeon is grateful Jongdae doesn’t ask any questions. Maybe there’s nothing glaringly suspicious about going out to dinner with two guys. 

Friday comes, and Junmyeon opens the door for Jongdae still dressed in his work clothes. Jongdae looks at him funny, lips pursed, and he’s able to hold his tongue for roughly five seconds. “You’re not going out in that, are you?”

Junmyeon rolls his eyes. “You sound like Hyeri,” he crumbles, watching all of his girls run to greet Jongdae in glee. “What’s wrong with my outfit?”

“Hyung, they’re taking you to a nice restaurant for a night out. You can’t possibly go there dressed in your wrinkly, half casual button down, and equally wrinkly slacks. Show some class.” Jongdae turns to Juhyun conspicuously. “Don’t you agree that your father needs to get changed into something more befitting?”

Juhyun doesn’t even hesitate before she nods, and Junmyeon groans loudly. “Fine! But I’m not sure I have anything much fancier,” he gripes, starting to climb the stairs to go upstairs to get changed. “I’ll try my best.”

Truth is, he doesn’t have a lot of nice clothes. He hasn’t had time to go shopping, and he’s lost weight since the divorce. His nice outfits are a bit outdated, or don’t fit him correctly, and this is exactly why he had been avoiding this. It does no favors to his already beaten self-confidence, but he also knows that Jongdae won’t let him out of the house until he’s deemed presentable. 

After digging through his closet long enough, he finds slacks that look alright after he irons them, a turtleneck that fits him pretty okay, and a blazer that is snug enough. He slips on his dress shoes, and heads downstairs to show Jongdae, the fashion police. 

Jongdae gives him one thumbs up, and then ushers him to put on his coat and run out the door. “I think your neighbors are already waiting, so go on over,” he insists, and pats Junmyeon’s bum encouragingly. “Me and the girls will be just fine, go on!”

Of course, Junmyeon must first kiss and hug them before he can go, but he’s out the door soon enough. It’s cold, his breaths coming out in visible puffs, and darkness is already settling in. He walks briskly to get over to Jongin and Minseok’s, shivering inside his coat. 

Minseok opens the door, and he’s all dashing smiles and easy charms. He looks amazing, and Jongdae was right to tell him to dress up; Minseok is dressed impeccably, and his relaxed confidence ties it all together perfectly. He looks so carefree, standing there, like he knows he can have what he wants, now and always. Something heavy settles into the pit of Junmyeon’s stomach. 

“Hi there,” Minseok says as he gestures for him to get inside. “Jongin should be done any moment now, he just went to use the bathroom real quick.”

“Hi- you look good,” Junmyeon lets slip, his voice a little breathless, and not because of how fast he walked. But Minseok doesn’t look bothered, not even surprised, and his laughter is as warm as always. “Thank you, Junmyeon-ah. You look amazing, as well.” 

Somehow that one compliment makes Junmyeon tingly all over. 

Jongin emerges not soon after, and he too greets Junmyeon with heartfelt praise. The attention feels nice, nicer than Junmyeon can say, but he enjoys their easy banter in the car just as much. It’s strange, going somewhere other than work without his girls, but it only serves to remind him how much he values Minseok and Jongin’s company, how much these Friday nights mean to him. 

They pull up at a really nice Italian restaurant in town. “I heard it’s got great reviews, so I hope it’s going to be good,” Jongin says as they get out of the car. “I wouldn’t want this to be a disappointment.”

“Yeah, we are celebrating hyung after all,” Junmyeon pipes up, and Minseok pats his bum affectionately. “That, and also enjoying each other’s company. So let’s go inside, it’s cold out here.”

Jongin even went as far as to make a reservation, and they’re taken at a quiet corner at the back, all cozy and comfortable. The interior is posh enough to make a good impression, but not too fancy or too try-hard, and the staff is extremely pleasant. Junmyeon is excited as he looks through the menu, trying to decide what to get. It’s a rare treat, whether or not Minseok is really paying for it. 

He’s pulled away from his thoughts by Jongin laughing at something. When he looks up, both Minseok and Jongin are looking at him with smiles on their faces. “What is it?” he asks, and can’t resist smiling back. He doesn’t even know what’s funny, but he feels happy nonetheless. 

“You’re just so adorable, looking at the menu in wonder like that,” Minseok laughs, and reaches over to stroke the back of his head. Junmyeon swats at him, but there’s no heat to it, and lifts up the menu higher so they can’t see his face. This only results in more laughter, and he can’t hold back his own giggles either. 

They get a cheese platter to share as an entrée, and Jongin urges them to order wine. “I’ll drive, so you hyungs just get tipsy,” he teases, winking saucily. “You both are more fun when you’re a little under the influence.”

Minseok wrinkles his nose indignantly. “You just don’t appreciate our humor enough, and that is your fault,” he replies, but doesn’t hesitate to call the waiter over to ask for a bottle of white wine. “Alright then, Junmyeon-ah, time to drink. Doctor’s orders.”

It shouldn’t make him giggle as much as it does.

The conversation is their usual chitchat about work and Junmyeon’s girls, as well as lighthearted banter, but somehow the atmosphere is different. Maybe it’s just the dimly lit restaurant and nothing else, but somehow, somehow it feels like something has shifted. Perhaps it has only shifted in Junmyeon- he wouldn’t know, and even though he tries to see any signs of… anything, really, he can’t pick up any. It’s more than likely that he’s simply overthinking this, too- he wouldn’t be surprised. 

But somehow, when Minseok turns to look at him to listen to him talk and smiles at him, or when Jongin’s legs bump against his underneath the table and Jongin grins like he did it on purpose, or when Minseok and Jongin reach for the wine at the same time to pour Junmyeon more to drink- it feels significant. It makes his chest feel too small, too tight for everything that he’s feeling, all this excitement and affection and happiness. All this attention that he doesn’t know what to do with. 

He wishes he knew, wishes he understood more, wishes he had the courage to ask. But he does no such thing, and only laughs bubblier at Minseok’s quips, listens to Jongin more intently, opens up his heart and talks to his content. He’s not sure if it’s the food or the conversation that satisfies him more. This connection, this bond he hasn’t been able to have in such a long time, it’s means more than he can ever put into words. And there’s this warm flash of something, something delicious and scary, but the wine helps him dull it, put it away, hide it. He’s good at hiding feelings, good at the game of pretend. 

Minseok and Jongin just make him wish he could stop playing that game.

When it’s time to go home, Junmyeon’s more than a little tipsy. But it feels good, feels right, and the way that Jongin keeps him upright and steady feels even more so. Minseok pulls out his card and Junmyeon squints at him, puts his hand on his arm to hold him back. 

“But I never paid you back- never properly thanked you for helping me when I was sick. I should pay.”

Minseok just tuts at him, and boops his nose. “Hyung is paying, and you can’t argue,” is all he says, and hands over his card. Junmyeon thinks that he should try arguing, but it’s already too late.

Jongin drives them home, and he stops the car in front of Junmyeon’s house first. “Go on, we’ll watch and make sure you get inside the house before we drive off. Or do you want me to come and put the key in the lock for you?”

His voice is teasing, and that doesn’t help the innuendo in what he just said at all, but Junmyeon manages to hold back his laughter. “I’ll manage, or Jongdae will open the door for me,” he says instead, opens the door of the car. “Thank you so much, both of you, for inviting me. I had so much fun.”

“We wouldn’t have enjoyed it half as much without you,” Minseok replies. “We should do this again, if possible. Sitting on our couch drinking is fun, but you know.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Junmyeon says, as he’s long since learnt not to make promises he can’t commit to. “I’ll call you in the morning, or stop by.” He slides out of the car, takes a moment to gain his balance. 

“Please stop by, I could make brunch,” Jongin calls out, and Junmyeon agrees with a laugh before slamming the door shut. He wobbles his way to his front door and manages to open it, and he only hears Jongin pull out once he steps inside.


	4. Chapter 4

Something has shifted. 

The seasons, for one- it’s most definitely late autumn now, nearing winter, and the days bleed into November before Junmyeon even realizes it. The girls whine about how long the school term is, but to him, weeks and months pass without him noticing. He sees time pass quite concretely in his own girls, in how they grow up, so sneakily right under his nose until the change becomes blatant and obvious, and he’s about to start thinking about Christmas decorations. 

Their first Christmas without Hyeri, quite possibly. 

He doesn’t see how he could bear to have her under the same roof for any amount of time. It’s entirely too early to start worrying about it, though.

But time is not the only thing moving, changing, winding- it’s also his relationship with his two handsome neighbors. 

They come over uninvited a lot more, for instance. It starts out by Junmyeon saying that they should visit, that the girls miss them and miss talking to them. “You’re a lot more fun than I am,” he sighs on the phone with Minseok. “They keep pestering me about you guys, and I think they’re jealous I get to spend more time with you than they do. You could come over for dinner sometime. It would make them so happy.”

Minseok laughs, like he often laughs with Junmyeon- a kind of fond, but also kind of teasing laugh, that in other time and place Junmyeon might have considered flirty. 

“Would it make you happy?” And ah, this is exactly why flirty is the right word. Junmyeon tugs on the collar of his ratty t-shirt to fan himself a little, stubbornly convincing himself that he’s simply hot, not blushing. At all. His bedroom is definitely overheated.

“It would, and you knew that without me having to say it, hyung,” he sighs, pretending to be annoyed even if he’s anything but. There’s more laughter, and he can hear Jongin asking what’s so funny in the background somewhere. He can imagine them sitting close to one another on the couch, cuddled up together to watch TV or something, and aches a bit on the inside to be once again indirectly reminded of his own loneliness. The empty vastness of his bed doesn’t help.

“In that case, we would love to come. But you only have yourself to blame if we start overstaying our welcome.”

So it begins. Minseok and Jongin come over for dinner once, maybe twice a week, while they still keep up with their own Friday night arrangements as well. In Junmyeon’s house, though, it’s not so much quality time between the three of them as it’s quality time for his girls with three doting, loving adults; Minseok and Jongin always want to hear all about how they’re doing, what they’re up to at school, which boys they like. They have a knack for remembering details about the people the girls mention that even Junmyeon can’t remember- he blames his sleep deprived brain for that, even if guilt eats away at him at the same time. He’s the father, he should know all these things.

Sometimes they even cook together, the three adults dodging curious girls in the small kitchen because most of the time, Junmyeon’s daughters don’t want to miss out on any possibility to hang out with the cool uncles. It gets cramped, but it’s nice, cozy, fills the house with noise and laughter that seems to linger long after their guests are gone.

It isn’t like they don’t ever have fun without them- but there’s just something so special, so meaningful to have them over. It helps disperse the heaviness of all the negative change they have gone through, it helps fill in the gaps Junmyeon hadn’t been able to patch up on his own. 

If Jongin has an early shift, they don’t usually stay long after they’ve all eaten dinner, but sometimes they stay until it’s bedtime for Yerim and Sooyoung. The two youngest girls absolutely love being tucked in by the uncles, and it’s a special treat almost. Watching how naturally the girls now seek for affection and physical touch from Jongin and Minseok, how easily they sit in their laps and kiss them goodnight, Junmyeon feels his heart swell with so many emotions he can’t even tell them all apart. Some of it is soft, tender- some of it ugly, green-eyed, nasty. Ugly, because he feels inadequate; a part of him only sees that the girls love their uncles more than him, even if his rational side knows that isn’t the case. 

But he’s also walking on clouds knowing that they get along so well with his daughters. Sometimes, watching them from the sidelines, he imagines a different kind of future, one where he wouldn’t be alone… And it seems so perfect, so beautiful, and it scares him infinitely. 

There’s so much of Jongin, so much of Minseok in his life. Constant texts, phone calls, sometimes baked goodies left on his doorstep; shared dinners, wine and conversations, light touches and bone-crushing hugs. 

He smells Jongin’s cologne in his own shirts sometimes, dreams of Minseok’s arms around him. It’s starting to get overwhelming.

The couple also makes good of their promise to arrange for more restaurant… outings. “Because it was so much fun,” Jongin insists. “We have to, hyung. We don’t have to stay out so late, if you don’t want to, but you know Juhyun does amazing with Yerim and Sooyoung even if you can’t get Jongdae to come and babysit for you. We don’t have to go very far, the drive doesn’t need to be more than thirty minutes.”

Their second outing is only a week after the first, on a Saturday night. Jongin picks the place- a hipster jazz bar with a large wine selection and tapas menu, a live band playing music quietly in the background. Junmyeon instantly feels out of place upon seeing it all, and depressingly underdressed in his dad jeans and a button-down shirt that doesn’t fit quite right; he ought to go shopping, should update his wardrobe, but he just doesn’t have the time.

But Minseok and Jongin both wrap their arms around him and walk him further inside before he can even begin to protest, and pick a table far enough from the band to allow for comfortable conversation. Junmyeon is grateful, as he’s long since grown too old for loud music and trying to scream over heavy bass and thumping beat. Maybe they all have.

Minseok orders for him before he can get a word in sideways. “Trust me, I already know exactly what kind of wine you like, Jun-ah,” is all he gets in response, and when Junmyeon does get a taste, he hates to admit just how right Minseok is. He’s not sure what warms his tummy more, the alcohol or the knowledge that his hyung pays attention to details such as what wine kind of wine he prefers. 

Jongin’s hand squeezing his thigh mid-laugh, Minseok’s hand on his back, their eyes on him as he talks about his day. Teasing jokes and playful looks. Those are the things he takes with him afterwards, when he goes back home, when he curls up in bed watching the lights in Minseok and Jongin’s windows. Falls asleep like that, feeling protected somehow, like just the knowledge that the two are so close could keep him safe. 

Safe from what, doesn’t truly matter. Junmyeon just likes safe.

Third time they go out, it’s to a Korean restaurant. “To pay homage to our roots,” Minseok insists, but Jongin can’t hide his mirth. “More like, hyung is craving soju tonight and wants to eat loads of pork with it,” he corrects, and although Minseok pretends to get mad, he can’t fake the angry scowl for very long. It’s true, after all. 

Junmyeon cooks Korean often at home, when he finds the time to do so because most dishes are rather time consuming, and the girls refuse to eat jjigae for every meal of the day. But he hasn’t been able to have this, this real Korean experience, in what feels like forever. Just walking into the restaurant makes him nostalgic and happy; the low tables, people seated on the floor, the grills and gas stoves on the tables, the rows of green soju bottles and Korean beer, the friendly but stern ladies who own and run the restaurant, the smell of kimchi and grilled meat. There are people speaking English around them, but also a lot of Korean families and couples, and this is the closest thing to the Korea Junmyeon remembers. 

“I haven’t been to Korea in years,” he admits as they sit down, looking at the menu board on the wall. “Ever since the girls were born, we just didn’t have the time… travelling with small children isn’t easy, and the flight is murder.”

“So the girls have never been?” Jongin asks. The edge in his Korean, the uncertain tilt to his tone, it’s endearing, it’s precious to Junmyeon, and he wants to hold his hand and say it’s alright, no one is judging. Not when it’s just the three of them, and not here. But he refrains. Barely. 

“Juhyun has been to Korea a couple of times when she was younger, but she doesn’t remember much of it.” It’s shameful, he knows, and his mother never fails to remind him of it either. She always brings up how simply not Korean the girls are, how they’ve lost touch with their roots, how Canada has ruined them. It’s yet another failure on Junmyeon’s part, for not doing better, for not being a better father, and he knows this. 

He will never be able to stop letting people down.

“Well, it’s never too late.” Minseok doesn’t sound judgmental. “I don’t go often either. Like you said, the flight is murder. But we were planning a trip for next summer, you should come with. Managing the girls wouldn’t be terrible between the three of us.”

Junmyeon’s surprise is so comical that Jongin can’t help but laugh at him, but Junmyeon feels justified in his reaction. “Ah, but I wouldn’t want to bother- you couldn’t enjoy anything, if you were stuck in babysitting duty.”

Jongin shakes his head, before twisting the soju bottle open, pours it into their beer glasses before adding the beer. He doesn’t know any of the fancy tricks to do with the bottles and pouring drinks that Junmyeon knows all Koreans to be crazy about, but his movements are charming, graceful. “We would love nothing more than to have your beautiful daughters there with us. And of course, beautiful hyung.” 

He pretends to busy himself with flipping the meat on the grill, clears his throat before making the decision to pretend like he didn’t even hear that. It’s safer. “I- I will have to see if I can afford to. All six of us, it’s a lot of money.”

Silence hangs over the table, and Junmyeon realizes what he’s done. He made that sound like an open suggestion, an incentive- for Minseok and Jongin to swoop right in, to offer to pay for some of it. A lead weight settles into his stomach and he doesn’t know how to backpedal without making things awkward, too painful.

The couple already does so much for him, helps him in numerous ways, have quite literally saved his life. He doesn’t have a lot of pride left, but this… This much he still has.

He hasn’t been struggling financially; him and Hyeri split their savings when they divorced, kept the girls’ college funds untouched, and the house had always been in Junmyeon’s name. Hyeri didn’t try to fight for it, said that Junmyeon could keep it since he’d be the one living in it with the girls- that it would be fair, considering. Maybe it was. Junmyeon didn’t ask her to pay him any money, still hasn’t, and he won’t, although she does sometimes send the girls pocket money. But he’s been doing alright, overall, but to afford such a big trip would require some planning, some saving, even if talking about the price of it is really just an excuse so he wouldn’t have to agree to it. Not yet. 

“Well, it’s still far away, so you can think about it. But it would be so much fun if you guys could come.” Jongin is doing that thing again where he’s too earnest for his own good, so sincere that it leaves Junmyeon raw as well. And he can’t help but nod, nod and promise he will think about it- and inside him, deep down, there’s joy that they asked, and there’s excitement there too, imagining the trip, even if he tries to hold himself back. 

It’s after a couple of these outings, as Junmyeon still keeps calling them, that Jongdae prods at him tentatively. “I’m really glad you’ve gotten close to new people, Jun,” he says on the phone after Junmyeon has asked him to babysit again. “It makes me so freaking happy to see you smile again, smile like you used to. But like… they don’t ever go out on date nights just the two of them? They always invite you to come with?”

Junmyeon is trying to help Sooyoung with her homework, and he’s totally not equipped for this conversation right now. He knows Jongdae- knows that his questions always come with even more questions afterwards. “No, sweetie, four times seven is not 26,” he corrects her gently before trying to focus back to Jongdae. “I don’t know if they do. Obviously I haven’t asked them. How weird would that be? It’s none of my business.”

He has wondered, though, has thought about it more than he should. But he has just assumed that they must do some sort of couple stuff when he’s not around- even if now, almost three days out of the week they’re together all three of them doing something. It’s just that thinking about it too much makes him sad in ways he can’t explain.

“Well, I suppose… And I’m not saying that you shouldn’t hang out with them. I love that you do. But are you sure that they don’t, you know, mean something by all this?”

Outright denial is Junmyeon’s knee-jerk reaction, and then he’s pissed off at Jongdae for suggesting such a ridiculous thing. It’s not like he hasn’t dreamt of it, hasn’t wanted it, held onto his shameful desires despite knowing how wrong it all is, and it’s also why Jongdae’s words annoy him so. He’s mad that Jongdae would encourage his wishful thinking, and he’s mad that he has to say no. That he knows the answer is no, and will always be no. 

“They most certainly don’t mean anything by it,” he snaps, and Sooyoung glances up from her homework, alarmed. He reaches out to smooth down her hair, lowers his voice to try to appear less emotional. “Look, they’re just being nice. That’s it. I don’t want to hear you suggest these types of things ever again. I’ll talk to you later.” 

He regrets everything he said immediately. Regrets being so snippy with Jongdae, who’s done nothing to deserve his bad temper. But it’s too late now. It’s so cruel that he recognizes his own mistakes only when it’s too late to do anything about them; just how he realized his marriage was a lost cause only after Hyeri filed for divorce. And it’s frustrating, how even a small setback such an argument with his best friend, brings back all these enormous issues he’s been dealing with- that he can’t argue without thinking back to all the arguments he ever had with Hyeri, without being reminded of all of his biggest failures in life. 

Sooyoung is looking at him with worried eyes now, and he has to snap out of it. He’ll have time to feel sorry for himself later, in bed, by himself. It’s better that the girls don’t know, don’t see. They have to believe that he’s strong even when he’s not, hasn’t been in a long while. 

“Sorry, daddy was talking to uncle Jongdae and we had a minor disagreement,” he says as a way of explanation, and leans in to kiss her forehead. “Daddy will call uncle Jongdae back in a moment and say sorry. Daddy was stupid again.”

Sooyoung’s braids swish back and forth as she shakes her head adamantly. “Daddy’s not stupid. It’s not nice to call anyone names, not even yourself!” She sounds so sure of herself, so much like her mother in how convinced she is of the truth in her words- and she’s right. Junmyeon can’t possibly argue with that, and somehow it’s startling. Makes him think of all the nasty things he tells himself every single day, how it’s really not nice. Not fair. 

An eight-year-old shouldn’t be causing this kind of emotional turmoil and soul-searching, and especially not on top of everything else already going on inside Junmyeon’s head. But it’s a good reminder, something he very much needed.

He lifts her up from her chair and into his lap, holds her there. She’s still small, a lot smaller than her older sisters, and fits into Junmyeon’s arms much better. He knows that in a couple of years that will be gone, too, so he must cherish it now while it lasts. Children truly are young only for such a small amount of time. 

“You’re right. It isn’t nice. Daddy’s sorry. I won’t do it again.”

“You’re forgiven,” Sooyoung replies with a laugh, and lands a couple of loud smooches on Junmyeon’s cheeks. “All forgiven.”

If only adults could forgive and move on as easily as children do. 

*

It’s after a few fancy dinner outings that Junmyeon decides it’s time he goes shopping. He can’t put up with feeling so inadequately dressed each time they go out. He shouldn’t be so sloppy with his clothes, not when Minseok and Jongin put so much effort into dressing nice. They’re so fashionable but also timeless in their styles, and everything they wear seems to flatter them so well. Junmyeon knows he won’t be nearly as handsome as them no matter what he puts on, but he could at least try. Wear clothes that actually fit him and his current body, not the body he had five, ten years ago. 

He’s lost weight, it’s just a fact. He used to work out, used to go to the gym on the regular when Hyeri was still there to look after the girls, but as of late he hasn’t had the energy to stay in shape. His body has gotten softer but also thinner, and he doesn’t really enjoy it. His arms, back and chest are still strong because he does a lot of lifting with his girls, as Yerim and Sooyoung are clingy little koalas despite their age, but it’s his only saving grace. 

Not that Hyeri found him attractive even when he was in good shape, and he doesn’t know if anyone could find him appealing now.

But shopping. He has to do some shopping. 

It’s a Saturday morning, and he knows that the girls will most likely be excited about his plans. “I was thinking I’d go to the mall today,” he says in the middle of breakfast, helping Yerim scoop up the elusive pieces of egg onto her spoon. “I need to get some shopping done. Would anyone like to come with me?”

All the girls turn to look at him with sparkling eyes, and he can’t help but smile back. He’s not awfully surprised by this reaction. 

“We’ll head out after breakfast, once everyone’s dressed.”

Getting the girls ready is an easy routine, and slightly less stressful now that he’s not working against the school bus schedule and trying to remember every little thing the girls need with them. He gets Yerim and Sooyoung dressed and does their hair in cute braids, tying them at the end with pretty ribbons, and by the time he’s all set with them, the twins and Juhyun are ready to go as well. He doesn’t need much time to pull on clothes, dad jeans and a turtleneck, and once everyone has their jackets, scarfs, beanies and shoes on, they’re ready to leave. 

The first snow came a few days ago, but none of it is visible now. The ground is still frozen though, and they expect to get an inch or two of snow soon. Junmyeon is looking forward to it, as the white snow will make the darkness that much more bearable, add some light to the dark mornings. Late autumn has turned into winter, and December will be upon them soon. 

Seulgi rides shotgun this time, while Seungwan and Yerim sit in the middle row, and Juhyun and Sooyoung all the way at the back of the van. Everyone seems to be in a good mood, the older girls texting their friends to see if anyone else is going, and Junmyeon turns on a pop radio station before pulling off the driveway. This should be a fun outing.

Seulgi turns to him, a curious glint in her eyes. “What are you shopping for, dad?” she asks. “Is it already time for Christmas presents?”

Junmyeon laughs. “No, Santa brings Christmas presents, what does the mall have to do with that?” he teases and winks obnoxiously at her. Yerim still kind of believes in Santa Claus, and Junmyeon will be damned if he ruins that for her. The other girls just might, but he won’t have any part in that. 

Seulgi rolls her eyes, and Junmyeon assumes he deserved that. “Well, I figured I need new clothes,” he admits, a little bit sheepish about it. It feels silly to say out loud, to express that he wants something so vain… He feels childish, almost. What business does a divorced father of five trying to look good for anybody? 

Her eyes widen a little bit, and she leans forward, intrigued. “Oh? What for? Is there an event happening? At the church? Or at work?”

He shakes his head. “No, not that. I was just thinking, it would be nice to dress a little smarter when I go out with uncle Jongin and uncle Minseok… They always dress so well, you know, and I feel like I should at least make an effort to look decent.”

And just like that, her eyes darken, and she pulls away from him, arms crossed over her chest. Junmyeon glances at her, unsure what came over her, but he doesn’t have to wait for an explanation for very long. 

“I hate that you go out with the uncles!” she spits out, and there’s more venom in her voice than he’s ever heard before. He didn’t even know she had it in her to be so vicious- she almost sounds like her mother. 

But what’s even surprising, and confusing, are her words. 

“What do you mean?” he asks, tries to sound neutral. “Why do you say that?”

“Because I don’t like it! I don’t like them replacing mom! You probably kiss with them and hold hands, and say I love you, and then they’re gonna replace mom!”

Something constricts tight around Junmyeon’s chest, so tight he doesn’t know if he can breathe through its vice grip on him. Replace mom, replace Hyeri- that Seulgi thinks that Minseok and Jongin would take her place, that what Junmyeon is doing is dating them- He grips the steering wheel as tight as he can, counts to ten.

“Me and uncles do no such thing,” he says quietly, focusing with all his might on driving. “They won’t replace your mother. Even if I were dating them, which I’m not, they wouldn’t replace her. No one will.”

“You’re replacing her!” Seulgi screams that even louder, her face twisted with anger and hurt Junmyeon doesn’t understand. “You’re gonna replace her and I don’t want it! I don’t want uncles to live with us!”

This is getting absurd. “They won’t live with us,” Junmyeon says as calmly as he can. “So don’t worry about it. They’re not here to take your mother’s place.” He wants to bitterly add that Hyeri sure isn’t defending her place in the girls’ lives very valiantly, so he’s not sure if she would mind being replaced one bit. But the girls don’t need to hear him say such things about their mother, at all. 

“Eonni said you go out on dates with them! So yes, you are replacing mommy!” Seulgi is almost hysterical, her face blotched as tears start to run down her cheeks. Junmyeon can hardly breathe. Why must these arguments happen at times like this? When he can’t have his full focus on her, and the other girls have to listen as well? 

“I haven’t gone on a single date with them.” His voice is strained, his knuckles white where he grips the steering wheel. “Despite what Juhyun thinks, they’re not dates. We do those things as friends.” It hurts to say, it hurts to admit it out loud, but it’s the truth. It has to be. “Your sister is wrong. I’m not dating them, and I don’t intend to replace your mother. Ever. Even if I start dating, in the future, it doesn’t mean that person will take your mother’s place. No one else can be your mother but her.”

The backseat is eerily quiet, and Junmyeon wonders how long it will take for Yerim to start to cry. She hates when others argue, when others are upset. They’re nearing the mall parking lot, but then, Junmyeon doesn’t want to have this conversation outside the car either where total strangers can witness this. 

“Then why do you have to look nice to go out to eat with them, if it’s just friends?” Seulgi clearly can’t be placated so easily. This sounds like something she has spent a long time thinking about, and Junmyeon wonders if the three oldest girls have talked about this amongst themselves. They must have, if Juhyun has had anything to do with this. But why is Seulgi the only one upset?

“Because we go to nice places, where you have to dress nice,” he still tries to keep calm as he steers the car into the parking lot, tries to look for an available spot. “That’s why. I’m not trying to impress anyone. Not trying to replace your mother.”

He understands why she would be concerned about it- why it matters. The idea of Junmyeon dating probably only sounds like more insecurity, more uncertainty in their lives, and a direct command to forget about their mother whom they all love dearly. It just never crossed his mind to bring this up, because he didn’t think it would be possible to misunderstand the situation like so. 

Seulgi has fallen silent, and Junmyeon doesn’t quite know what to do. That seems to be the general theme of parenting- of never knowing what he’s doing, what he ought to do next. 

The car stops as he pulls up to an empty spot, and he cuts the engine. Silence lingers, and he turns to look at Seulgi, then at the other girls at the back who’re watching on in silence. 

“Look- I don’t know what gave you these ideas,” he sighs, rubs a hand over his eyes. “But I’m not dating uncle Minseok or uncle Jongin. We just go out to have fun, like I do with uncle Jongdae sometimes. It’s all there is. We’re friends. And no matter who might come into my life, no matter who I might start dating with, that person will never replace your mother. No one will ever force you guys to forget about her. You can love her, forever and always, and that’s alright.”

Partially, he thinks that the possibility of him dating is crushing their hopes for him getting back together with Hyeri. That him falling in love with someone else is ruining the chances of him and Hyeri making up and moving back in together. Him dating would be the last sign that there’s no going back to how things used to be. 

He understands his girls. 

Seulgi is trying to dry her cheeks angrily, her mouth still twisted. Yerim is sniveling, and Sooyoung looks upset as well. Juhyun is trying not to make eye contact with him, while Seungwan is staring at her lap. Great. What a fun Saturday. 

“How about we all get out of the car, so I can give you all big hugs and kisses, and then we go to the food court first to get ice cream or something? I wanted this to be a fun day for us all, and I don’t want you guys to be upset. Alright?”

He doesn’t wait for them to agree, just gets out of the car. Seungwan and Juhyun help the youngest two out of their car seats, and they’re the first to run into his arms for kisses and cuddles. He can always count on Sooyoung and Yerim to forgive him the fastest, to love him the most openly, and sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps him going. He squeezes them tight through their winter coats before turning to the three older girls. 

They all try to fit into his arms at once, Juhyun a little reluctantly, but he holds them there all the same, kisses the crowns of their heads even if he has to tiptoe to reach Juhyun.

“No more silly ideas,” he murmurs. “Don’t keep things like these away from me. Talk to me, alright? Talk to me. I’m here for you. Let me know how you’re feeling, instead of making each other all scared and upset.”

Juhyun pulls away, adjusts her hair. “Well, I wasn’t upset. I said to Seulgi and Seungwan that I would be happy, if you started dating uncles,” she replies, sounding so confident, so sure. “I think it would have been great. But I guess not.”

Her words do take him by surprise, after what he just heard from Seulgi, and they do warm him from the inside out. In her words, he hears what she doesn’t directly say- that she wants him to be happy. 

“I guess not,” he whispers, squeezing Seulgi and Seungwan once more before letting go. “Alright, who’s ready for early dessert?”

*

The topic of Christmas comes up again soon enough, as the big holiday is approaching faster than Junmyeon can keep up with. It’s already December now, yet he hasn’t spared a single thought for the preparations. It was always Hyeri who took care of such things, made sure everything was up to her standards. Junmyeon barely did what he was told, and tried to keep out of her way so he wouldn’t ruin everything. But now he’s in charge of everything, and it’s proving to be a daunting task even just thinking about it. Does he even know where all Christmas decorations are stored in the house?

He’s lamenting about this to Jongin one day. Jongin stopped by after work, as he didn’t want to be alone in the big house while Minseok was still at the office. 

“Arranging everything does sound quite tedious,” Jongin agrees with a slight frown. “And it’s your first Christmas like this, too… You want to make it a good one, for the girls, so they don’t feel like it’s not a happy occasion anymore. Right?”

“Exactly. I don’t want to disappoint them. I know it’s not going to be the same without her, but I want it to at least be… alright.” He’s not sure that their last Christmas together was a very happy one. Their divorce was already looming over them, already a thing they had brought up, and he’s pretty sure they both knew deep down that it was something they couldn’t avoid. The family holiday was tense and full of unspoken words, secrets they could not reveal to the family members they were seeing. 

“Do your parents usually participate? Do you spend a lot of time at their house?” Jongin rubs his shoulder gently, trying to disperse the tension already building up. Junmyeon leans closer to him, draws comfort from his warmth. Jongin is so much bigger than him, so solid and strong, that he forgets that he’s in fact younger than him. Jongin feels so safe, like coming home after a long, exhausting trip.

“My parents usually take the time to visit relatives in Korea,” he replies. “So not really. My brother visits and his wife and kids, and Hyeri’s side of the family always did too… I don’t know what we’re going to do this year. I haven’t yet talked to Hyeri about any of it.”

“You could just ask the girls.” And it’s such an obvious answer to what Junmyeon has been struggling with, it feels ridiculous he didn’t think of it. But Jongin has more distance- sees things more clearly. He’s so level-headed, probably a trait he’s honed together with his profession, and he has the ability to make things fall into place. Junmyeon envies him for that, and adores him for that.

“You know what… I will. See what they think would be for the best.” He smiles at Jongin in thanks, and Jongin leans in close, hugs him tight, presses his lips to Junmyeon’s forehead for a brief moment before letting go. 

The only problem is that all physical affection only makes Junmyeon crave for more, want even more.

He brings it up to the girls after church on that Sunday. “I can try and arrange whatever you guys want… I just don’t think mommy and I can be in the same place together, but we can take turns. Or if you want to spend the whole Christmas with her, you can. Or you can spend the eve with me and the Christmas day with her, or whatever. I just want you guys to be happy.”

The topic is a bit complicated for Yerim for sure, but he also knows that she’s the easiest to please, so it’s not her he’s worried about. It’s the older girls who feel more conflicted about all of this, by and large. 

It seems like they’re weighing his words carefully, and he’s glad for it. He wants to do what’s right by them, doesn’t want them to just say what they think he wants to hear. He’s an adult man- he can sacrifice one family holiday to make his family happy, even if he has to spend it by himself. 

“I would like to just be here,” Juhyun says carefully, looking at Junmyeon with sincere eyes. “I don’t wanna go from place to place. I just wanna be here at home, like always. I can meet mom if she wants us to, but just like, maybe on Boxing Day or something.” 

He can’t lie, he’s glad to hear it. But he tries not to let it show, doesn’t want to make the other girls feel like that’s what they should say as well. “What about the rest of you, then? Not everyone has to agree with eonnie. Just tell me your honest feelings.”

“I wanna be at home too,” Sooyoung eventually agrees, snuggling up to Junmyeon where Yerim is already seated in his lap. “Home is the best.”

Seulgi and Seungwan both look more torn about it, which Junmyeon can sympathize with. It’s not an easy question. “Will the uncles be here?” Seungwan eventually ventures, completely throwing Junmyeon in for a loop before he can get his bearings about him. “Uncles? I don’t know- they might spend at least part of Christmas at home, I think? So we could go visit them, if you guys wanted. Or they could come over. If you wanted. Unless they’re too busy.” He can’t tell what Seungwan wants to hear from him, what she’s after. 

She nods thoughtfully. “I think… I think it would be fun if uncles visited,” she says. “And I think, I would like to be at home too. We can meet mommy on Boxing Day.” Seulgi nods to show that she agrees, although she doesn’t mention anything about Minseok and Jongin. The topic has been a bit delicate with her, ever since the emotional burst she had. She seems to enjoy their company just the same, but Junmyeon can tell she’s watching him interact with them, judging him every time he goes out with them or comes back home. Whatever she sees or notices, he couldn’t tell. 

But at least they now have this matter settled. “I’ll let your mother know,” he promises. “We’ll spend the Christmas eve and Christmas day here, and then you guys could go over to her place for Boxing Day. Or maybe visit your grandparents with her. We’ll see.”

Against all expectations, she agrees to the plan quite easily. Junmyeon delivered the news to her via text, unable to go through an entire phone call with her, but she seems to take it in a stride. Perhaps she was already expecting it. 

It’ll be the first time the girls will get to really spend time with her ever since she moved out, which has been a long time coming. At least she’s been calling them more often, now, video chatting with them even. It’s progress, and not something Junmyeon is against at all. He never intended for the girls to lose contact with her, or make them hate her. He doesn’t understand her reasons, doesn’t understand why she’s done any of the things she has, but he doesn’t know if he’s entitled to answers any longer. 

It’s two weeks before Christmas, and he’s enjoying his weekly Friday night over at Minseok and Jongin’s place when they bring up their own plans for Christmas. Minseok looks away from the TV where they have the Deadpool movie on, and waits until Junmyeon glances at him before he speaks up. “Jongin and I were thinking- would it be alright if we celebrated Christmas together? Us and your girls.”

It’s not something he expected to hear, at all, but he’s on board with the idea instantly. “The girls would love that,” he says, leaning back into the couch and smiling at them both. “And I would, too. I was going to come visit with them anyway, but it would be lovely to have the house full of people.” It would also make it less glaringly obvious that they’re missing someone, but at the same time, their neighbours are almost like family at this point. They spend so much time together, and Minseok and Jongin know pretty much everything that goes on in the other Kim household. Celebrating Christmas together makes sense on so many levels.

Jongin leans in closer, squeezing Junmyeon near with an arm around him and he clinks their beer cans together. “That’s all set, then. Kids make Christmas ten times better, honestly, I can’t wait. All the Christmas food, too- we’re of course going to help out, aren’t we hyung?”

“Of course. So if we come over on Christmas eve to help you with cooking and such? And then watch how the girls are too overexcited to go to sleep because Santa is going to visit, and then watch their cute dad bumble around with the stockings and stuffing them for the girls.” Minseok’s tone is like warm honey, and embarrassing giggles escape Junmyeon without him even knowing. It sounds cute indeed, and he likes this image where Minseok and Jongin are there, watching him, appreciating him. He wants it. 

“You guys are going to miss the best part in the morning, when they open their presents.” He pouts a little, thumbs at the rim of his beer can. He’s just tipsy enough that pouting doesn’t hurt his ego terribly. 

“So we gotta stay the night, then,” Jongin nudges him playfully. “Your bed is big enough, isn’t it?”

And although he knows that it’s just friendly banter, he can’t help but want. 

The two weeks pass all too soon. The girls don’t feel that way, all hyped up for the holidays, but to Junmyeon it’s just a blink of an eye. He’s tired, so so tired, as the office always gets super busy before everyone goes home for the holidays and he’s worked to the bone, but he puts on a smile for his girls, takes them shopping for groceries and decorations, tries to get the house in the mood. It’s a lot more tedious on his own, but he knows he has to try twice as hard now that he has this big void to fulfill. It’s a big task for a small man like him, for someone as inadequate as him, but he makes his most valiant effort. They sing Christmas carols in the car and in the house, and put up decorations room by room until everything looks nice and cozy. The girls build snowmen outside in the snow and he sets up lights on the porch that twinkle into the night. 

Christmas is a lot of work, as a parent. He has to squeeze in time to buy gifts for the girls as well, which isn’t exactly easy to do. Minseok offers to babysit and Jongin tags along with him, insisting that he needs Junmyeon’s help to buy their gifts for the girls because neither him or Minseok has had to think about these things ever before. And it’s nice, to have someone there in the madness that is the local mall just a week before Christmas; it’s swamped with people, especially the toy stores, and he’d quickly give into panic and anxiety if it wasn’t for Jongin. 

Jongin is his anchor, he’s always touching him, guiding him, protecting him from the crowds with his larger body and taller frame. He’s always there, close by, and Junmyeon doesn’t feel so lost. Doesn’t feel like he’s drifting without a will of his own. 

To be fair, Junmyeon doesn’t exactly have a good grasp on what to buy for the girls either. He knows some things, has heard the girls talk about these things and Juhyun is good at briefing him on what the younger girls want, but that still leaves Juhyun for him to figure out on his own. The older the girls get, the trickier it gets, in all honesty. He’s on a stricter budget this year as well, which sucks; he knows that Hyeri will probably have gifts for them prepared, but he wants them to have a nice amount of presents under the tree as well. He doesn’t want to disappoint- doesn’t want them to feel like this Christmas is a failure somehow. 

But Jongin has sharp eyes, and he’s better at reading Junmyeon than he even realized. Whatever Junmyeon looks at a little bit longer, whatever he inspects but puts back down, he picks up into his own cart. “We just want to spoil your girls,” he says sheepishly as Junmyeon tries to tell him that he doesn’t have to. “We’ve gotten really attached, and we don’t have any other children in our lives. We both adore kids, and we especially adore your cute girls. So if you don’t mind… Please let us do this?”

It’s so cute, and Junmyeon kind of wants to kiss him then and there. What a naughty thought. 

“I can’t say no to that face,” is all he says instead, and strokes Jongin’s strong arm gently. “I… It will make them so happy.”

It seems to make Jongin happy as well, and who is Junmyeon to stand in the way of that?

He spends several sleepless nights wrapping everything up for it to be ready in time for Christmas, and even more stressful hours at the mall to do last minute grocery hauls, but when Christmas eve rolls around, he’s all set at last. It feels like he’s run a marathon- yet they’ve done none of the cooking and baking that needs to be done for the next day, but at least it doesn’t seem like such a daunting task when he has Minseok, Jongin and his girls to help him. 

And it’s so cozy, so natural, so comfortable. Minseok takes charge of the kitchen like it belongs to him, and he delegates tasks to all of the girls according to their skills so they can all feel like they belong, have a purpose in this all. Junmyeon is left with putting up the last of the decorations, and then making gingerbread cookies with Yerim and Sooyoung; it’s a simple task, cutting out the different cookie shapes and placing them on the baking trays, and Junmyeon is grateful he doesn’t have to bother with any of the more complicated things. 

It takes up most of the morning and part of the afternoon, just because they can bake only so many things at once, and some things will have to be finished the next day, but they’re done with their to do list way sooner than Junmyeon anticipated. Christmas eves have always been kind of dreadful, full of endless tasks and chores to be completed to ensure the perfect Christmas, and he personally never liked all that fuss- but now that he’s really doing it because he wants to, and not because he wants to please Hyeri, it’s not so terrible. It also helps to have Minseok and Jongin there to help hold it together. 

Neither Jongin or Minseok gets very bothered by things like this. They don’t get anxious or worked up over a long list of things that need to get done, whereas Junmyeon’s heart rate picks up just thinking about it all. Minseok especially is a natural organizer who works through things calmly and logically, and Jongin is too laid back and level-headed to be upset by small things. Even managing all five girls in the kitchen, as well as Junmyeon, doesn’t faze them. For that Junmyeon is thankful, because it helps him stay calm too. Makes this all so much more fun. 

They have a casual dinner together, before curling up on the couch to watch Christmas movies. Junmyeon knows from experience how hard it can be to put the girls to bed on Christmas eve- after all, they have a lot to look forward to, and the excitement is palpable. The girls have been eyeing the presents under the tree all day long, and had they not been kept busy, Junmyeon is sure they would have tried to sneak peeks into the wrapping papers and the name tags. 

Everyone is nursing a cup of hot chocolate, and they have gingerbread cookies to snack on as well. The youngest girls are already in their pajamas because Junmyeon hopes that they will fall asleep on the couch. Minseok and Jongin look right at home there too, squeezed on the couch with the girls, seemingly unbothered that they’re watching kids’ movies. Junmyeon, too, burrows deeper into the blankets and pillows, and just enjoys this moment. Moment of peace and quiet, and lets himself imagine.

It’s become a bad habit, imagining different things. Things he can never have, shouldn’t even want to have. But in moments like this, it’s impossible not to. 

It’d be so easy, yet it’s so unattainable. 

Yerim nods off after the first movie, and Sooyoung climbs into Junmyeon’s arms to doze off mid-way through the second one. Junmyeon carries them both to bed in his arms, one by one. He tucks Yerim in tightly like she prefers, and makes sure her stuffed animals are nestled next to her so she can curl around them in her sleep, and he tiptoes to lift Sooyoung into her bed as carefully as he can. She doesn’t like being wrapped in too many blankets, she gets hot too easily, but Junmyeon can’t resist giving her one of her stuffed animals as well; she tries to sometimes pretend to be too old to sleep with a stuffie, but Junmyeon knows better. Especially post-divorce little things like this have offered the girls so much comfort Junmyeon couldn’t provide all on his own.

When he makes it back downstairs, the twins insist on a third movie. He’s reluctant to agree, but he also knows that they wouldn’t go to sleep even if he told them to go to bed, so it’s no use to argue. He sends them upstairs to get changed into their pajamas though, and suggests to Juhyun she does the same. She’s a bit too old to be ordered around like that, and he doesn’t want to butt heads with her especially tonight, so he doesn’t push it when she says she doesn’t want to. 

Jongin tucks him to his side when he sits back down, throws the blanket over both of them. He looks so content and comfortable there, hugging Junmyeon close, that Junmyeon can’t even try to say no. Insist that he should hold Minseok instead- but Minseok looks perfectly pleased with the current arrangement, propped against the armrest quite comfortably although he doesn’t stay put for long. “More hot chocolate?” he suggests as he gets up on his feet. “I think we adults could enjoy a little nightcap, too.”

The girls agree with the idea enthusiastically, and Junmyeon and Jongin nod in agreement. It sounds like a wonderful idea, and Minseok makes bomb hot chocolate, especially spiked. “Just one cup of that is going to put me right to sleep,” Junmyeon murmurs, laying his head on Jongin’s shoulder. They’ve spent enough time like this that it doesn’t feel weird, doesn’t feel forbidden. “I’m exhausted, and the little ones are going to wake up so early tomorrow morning for presents. I just know it.”

He still has to put everything into their Christmas stockings, to keep up the illusion of Santa visiting for the little ones. He has to do it tonight because he knows from past experience that the girls will be up at the break of dawn on Christmas day, always too excited to sleep in. It’s adorable and he doesn’t mind, absolutely not, but it’s just the reality of it. 

Jongin hugs him closer, pats his thigh gently. “It’s alright,” he replies equally soft and quiet, “we’ll be here. We’ll make sure you don’t pass out here and hurt your back sleeping all wrong and weird.” He’s maybe teasing, but there’s also truth to that. Age hasn’t been gentle on Junmyeon, and he appreciates his memory foam mattress now more than he ever would have thought possible. 

“Are you really gonna stay the night?” he asks. It was brought up in passing, as kind of joke- but a part of him wants it to be true. 

Jongin is quiet for a moment, and just rubs his arm, rocks him a little. “We could,” is what he finally settles for. “It’d be nice. I don’t want to miss how excited the girls get over presents, and I don’t think you can make them wait for us.”

“That’s true.” He wants to add more, wants to ask them to- but it seems to brave. He doesn’t want to assume, doesn’t want to push. Maybe after they’ve had their nightcap he’ll feel more courageous. 

Minseok comes back with the hot chocolate now done, and they all settle on the couch comfortably to enjoy their drinks. But no one is really paying attention to the TV anymore, all of them having had their fill of Christmas movies already, and even conversation quiets down. The girls retreat back to their bedrooms after a while, having finished their hot chocolates, and bid Junmyeon good night with kisses and hugs.

“One more?” Minseok sits up straight, and holds up his mug suggestively. Junmyeon purses his lips slightly, thinks about it, thinks about how he feels. Just a bit buzzed, just the warm tingle of alcohol, but nothing too much. He could have more, and not have to suffer for it the next day. 

“Just the Bailey’s for me, no hot choco,” Jongin replies after Junmyeon agrees to Minseok’s idea. Minseok chuckles, and leans in to kiss Jongin fondly. “Alright, then. I’ll make these stronger for us so we can keep up with you, then.”

Junmyeon purposefully looks away from the kiss, but he does get up with Minseok and pads after him to the kitchen. He wants a drink of water, and doesn’t want to leave Minseok alone doing all the hard work. It might be Minseok’s forte to make good hot chocolate, but he shouldn’t have to be all by himself- and Junmyeon shouldn’t be cuddling with his boyfriend, most importantly, while he’s away. 

Not that his help is needed. Minseok knows his kitchen inside out, and works comfortably in it. He’s efficient in what he does, and he doesn’t want to disturb his flow at all. It’s a pleasure to watch how Minseok moves around, how organized and neat everything is- a total 180 from how Junmyeon usually operates, but it’s part of Minseok’s charm.

He’s caught off guard when Minseok boops him on the nose. Apparently, he spaced out. Minseok is grinning widely, his eyes twinkling. “You were staring at me,” he says, before he pulls away slightly to stir the milk in the pot. “A penny for your thoughts.”

How embarrassing. “Ah, no- I was just thinking.” Minseok raises an eyebrow at him, and it feels like a challenge. “About how different you are. From me, that is.” 

Minseok laughs heartily, and pats his shoulder. “Well, that is true. But you know what they say.” When Junmyeon only stares at him blankly, he continues. “Opposites attract.”

It’s a loaded statement, even though Junmyeon does his best not to read it as such. He looks down at his socked feet, and wiggles his toes in his socks. “Yeah, uh- I guess.”

A silence comes over them as Minseok putters around and Junmyeon tries to quiet his brain. Some more alcohol should help with that, and he’s just about to ask for a small shot of the liquor on his cup as well before something cold and wet is wiped up his cheek. 

He shrieks and jerks back, and as he looks up, Minseok is close to him once more, and his smile is equal parts flirtatious and mischievous. His finger is smeared with the whipped cream that he undoubtedly got on Junmyeon’s cheek, although what for, beats Junmyeon completely. 

They stare at each other for what feels like an eternity, and Junmyeon hardly dares to breathe. Minseok is so close, so so close, and this situation is too unexpected for his brain to come up with a plan of action. Minseok just watches him closely, eyes darting from his eyes to his cheek to his lips, and back up again. 

The tension is so palpable that Junmyeon almost expects to hear it snap, any moment now, but it doesn’t happen. Instead, Minseok leans in forward, and his lips brush against Junmyeon’s cheek lightly. “Oops… My bad.” And he licks the whipped cream off, his lips light and soft on Junmyeon’s skin, and he can’t help the slight shudder that goes through him. It’s alright, it’s nothing, just Minseok teasing him, being affectionate-

“Aw, you started kissing without me?” Jongin’s voice scares the living daylights out of Junmyeon, but he has nowhere to go between the counter and Minseok, who doesn’t budge. 

“No, I was just getting him worked up.” Minseok sounds so cocky, and his smile hasn’t faded at all as he turns back to Junmyeon. His eyes are dark, his gaze smoldering, and Junmyeon doesn’t know how to face it, what to do with it. His mind is blank and his ears are ringing, his body in flight or fight mode, unable to decide what to do, where to go. He’s short circuiting, and nothing makes sense. 

“S-sorry, I didn’t- It’s not like that-” He feels like he’s been caught red handed, exposed somehow. Maybe the want in his eyes is too obvious, it has to be- Minseok and Jongin are most definitely teasing him, yet he’s the one who truly, sincerely wants. Wants it to be real. 

Jongin steps forward so that he, too, is pressed into Junmyeon’s personal space, and his hand cups the back of his skull, holds him steady. “Mm, but I kind of wish you were kissing, so I could kiss you too.” His eyes are dark like Minseok’s, and his voice drops lower. “But I guess I will have to be the one to start- if I may? Hyung?”

Junmyeon’s brain is not comprehending words suddenly, the tilts and lilts of his native tongue incomprehensible to him somehow, but his body still understands, and reacts accordingly. He leans forward, pressing up on his tippy toes, and Jongin meets him half way. Their lips connect and Jongin seems to hesitate before pressing forward, kissing him more firmly with all the confidence Junmyeon imagined he’d have. His plush, plump lips feel delicious against his, and he would like to spend hours exploring this feeling, but then it hits him that Minseok is right there- literally right in front of his nose. 

He jerks back and away from the kiss but he still has nowhere to go, nowhere to run. But Minseok only seems pleased, and completely calm about this all. 

“May I have a taste, too?” 

They don’t have to make any effort to match each other’s height, and it’s comfortable, solid, calming. Minseok kisses him like he has all the time in the world, his arms steady around Junmyeon’s middle while Jongin strokes his hair gently. It doesn’t last much longer than the kiss he shared with Jongin, but it leaves him breathless, gasping, bewildered. 

He doesn’t have to voice his obvious questions for Jongin and Minseok to understand how he feels. “We’ve wanted to do that for quite some time,” Minseok admits, thumbing away the last of the whipped cream. “Both of us. We haven’t… we haven’t exactly been taking you out on dates as friends, Jun-ah.”

“They were- they were dates?” It sounds stupid, but he didn’t- well, a big part of him wanted it, but even bigger part of him wanted to stay in denial. Deny all possibility of feelings, to try and avoid getting hurt. But now, in the face of this all, it’s blatantly clear how poorly his strategy worked. The feelings, they didn’t stay dormant just because that’s what he wanted. They found a way to blossom anyway.

Jongin kisses his temple tenderly. “And there could be more, if you’ll let us?” He poses it as a question, tries to be considerate, and it makes Junmyeon smile that he’d ask that after he’s gone ahead and kissed Junmyeon already, watched his boyfriend kiss Junmyeon as well. But he’s in no place to judge, seeing how blatantly oblivious he’s been. Even his own girls picked up on it all sooner than he did, and to his knowledge they’ve never dated anyone. 

“I- if you’ll have me. You know that I come with quite a bit of baggage, and that’s not just the fact that I’m a father of five girls.” There’s a lot of ugly things he hasn’t been able to share, a lot of ugly thoughts, and he’s still in the process of recovering from his failed marriage, and divorce. 

It’s one reason why he denied himself the right to want. No one would want someone like him- someone who is going to be a burden.

Minseok guides his head back up by the chin, and waits patiently until he makes eye contact with him. “We love all of those five girls like they were our own, and whatever else there might be, I’m sure we can handle.” He’s never sounded more sure of anything, ever- and as hard as it is to believe this is all real and truly happening, Junmyeon wants it too much to refuse, can’t let go of the forbidden fruit being tangled in front of him. 

“So are we, like, dating?” His own voice trembles, cracks, and earns him affectionate laughter from both of the men. 

“Yes, if you want us to. There’s no rush, though. We can take our time with everything.” Jongin pulls him against his own body, and hugs him gently. “We could discuss more of this over that cup of hot chocolate, too, but it looks like it’s going to boil over any moment now if Minseok hyung doesn’t do something about it.”

“Fuck!” Minseok is quick to detangle himself from Junmyeon, and rushes over to the stove cussing under his breath. And just like that, the tension dissipates, and melts into what Junmyeon has learnt to treasure most with Jongin and Minseok; comfort, affection, friendship, and now with a promise of something more, something special waiting for them in the future. He’s too scared to allow himself to fully want it yet- but for the first time in maybe years, he sees a glimmer of light at the end of his struggles.


	5. Chapter 5

They go to bed that night in Junmyeon’s bed, and he gets wrestled into the middle of them, since they both want to have their share of him. “Your bed is so huge for just one person, I always felt so horrible imagining you curled up here alone,” Jongin murmurs as he spoons Junmyeon from behind. It’s thrilling, this newfound physical affection and proximity, but it feels right. Like it’s supposed to be like this. 

Minseok is pressed close to him too, his hands stroking up and down Junmyeon’s body. It’s equal parts exciting and soothing, and Junmyeon really doesn’t know how he’s going to go to sleep like this. The alcohol is finally wearing off though, so he might be able to drift off soon.

“I still can’t believe you guys really want to date someone like me,” Junmyeon lets slip, burrowing deeper into the warmth of the bed that has increased tenfold now that he has both Jongin and Minseok sharing it with him. He’s never been good at sleeping alone, and this is fulfilling all of his deepest desires all at once. Sex be damned, he just wants to feel loved and safe. 

He can hear both Minseok and Jongin sigh simultaneously. “You’re full of charms, you just don’t see them yourself,” Minseok responds, sounding convinced. He always does, and Junmyeon doesn’t understand where such confidence comes from; it’s not unfounded at all, but it’s just puzzling to someone like him who’s never felt such a thing. Which is exactly the point Minseok is making. 

“How could we not fall for you, spending so much time with you? You’re so lovely, hyung,” Jongin adds, squeezing Junmyeon a bit tighter around the middle. “So, so lovely. Yeah, at first it felt a bit weird to realize we were having feelings for someone outside our relationship… that we both were. But then, we figured, who cares?” 

A part of Junmyeon does care. He does know that him dating not only one but two men is going to cause an uproar- and he has no idea how to tell this to the kids, either. But right now, he’s too warm, too soft, to worry about anything. He refuses to ruin this moment with his own, ugly thoughts. 

The following day is one of the happiest he’s ever had in his life, he thinks. The girls are up before he sun, just as he expected, and their joy is so palpable as they open their presents and rummage through their Christmas stockings. They’re all big smiles and pleased giggles, showing off their presents to each other and gushing about all the cool things they got. It’s a tiny bit less presents than they would usually get, but Junmyeon trusts that Hyeri will have prepared some for them for tomorrow, so he’s not worried and the girls don’t seem upset either. 

Overall, it’s just a wholesome family Christmas with the added bonus of Minseok and Jongin there with them as well. It’s probably the biggest bonus, for Junmyeon personally; they sneak kisses in the kitchen when the girls aren’t there, and a part of him feels like a teenager all over again. He hasn’t had this kind of giddy puppy love in almost 20 years, and thinking back, he can’t be sure he ever felt this with Hyeri in the first place. Falling in love with her is such a distant memory, and it’s hard to remember why he fell for her now that they’ve separated so bitterly- but he’s adamant not to let himself ruin this, taint all this with sadness and bitterness, and pushes those thoughts away.

They eat all day long, all of the delicious food they prepared the day before. Their Christmas dinner is a mix of Western and Korean food but it all tastes amazing, and everyone is in such high spirits. The girls are excited to play with their new toys and things, and equally as excited to show them off to the uncles and Junmyeon as if they had not hand-picked most of those things by themselves. It’s precious, it’s adorable. 

It’s a different kind of Christmas, and not at all like Junmyeon imagined it to be, but it’s good. Good kind of different. Low pressure with no one to impress or please, and all the people he loves all there with him, for him. His girls bright and happy, playing together, snuggling up close to him every once in a while to show him something or to share their treats with him. Minseok and Jongin, both so enamored with the girls and engrossed with everything they’re doing, but also glancing over at him every so often with fond smiles on their faces. Stolen kisses, when no one’s looking, and glasses of red wine. 

It’s a bubble he never wants to leave, never wants to burst. If only he could capture this moment, this one day, put it into a time machine and revisit every time he wanted to… he would never feel desperate and lonely ever again. 

Just this once, he refuses to worry, refuses to be responsible about the future. Just this once, he wants to be selfish.

It works, so much so that he manages to almost forget that indeed, he has to give this up tomorrow. That the girls are leaving and going over to Hyeri’s for the day. But Yerim brings that up as he’s tucking them into bed, and the way she says it reminds him that the girls probably never forgot even for one second.

“Can I call daddy tomorrow? When we’re with mommy?” she asks, all sleepy and tuckered out after the long, exciting day. “I think I’m gonna miss daddy.”

Junmyeon can’t resist covering her face in kisses, smoothing her hair back. “I’m sure you can, but I think you’ll have so much fun with your sisters and mommy that you won’t even remember to miss daddy. Daddy is going to be just fine, spending the day with the uncles, and you will have a blast with mommy. It’s like having a second Christmas day, isn’t it?”

She nods, pleased with his answer, and Junmyeon leaves the room after kissing Sooyoung goodnight as well. 

He closes the door and stops short in the hallway, glances at the two other bedroom doors. Should he maybe talk to the girls about tomorrow? See how they feel? Perhaps. He knows that the youngest two are genuinely just looking forward to it with little reservations about it, but the twins and Juhyun might feel more conflicting emotions. They most often express their anger at him, because of him, talk about how much they miss her, but he wonders… 

He knocks on the twins’ door, and steps inside. To his surprise, all three of them are in there, seated on Seulgi’s bed. They all look at him with questioning looks, and he stops short after stepping into the room. It’s awkward to just initiate a meaningful conversation about a touchy subject like this, but he knows that it’s his duty as their parent. To make sure they’re alright. 

“Looking forward to seeing mom tomorrow?” he asks, trying to sound as casual as he can even when it’s so obvious why he’s here. The girls glance at each other before they turn to look at him again. 

“Kinda?” Seungwan shrugs her shoulders. “It’s been so long since we saw her… I don’t know how it’s going to be like, at her new place.” 

With the conversation now started, Junmyeon dares to sit down as well, taking a seat on Seungwan’s empty bed. “I’m sure you will have a lot of fun,” he tries to reassure them. “She has missed you all, and is probably excited to have you for the day. It’s Christmas, after all.” 

The girls all nod, looking thoughtful. “It’s just really strange. That she wasn’t here, and that she lives somewhere else. That you can’t come with us to see her.” Seulgi fiddles with the overly long sleeves of her new pajamas. Buying new pajamas for Christmas is a tradition Junmyeon created when the girls were tiny, and still holds onto to this day. He’s happy to see them all wear theirs. 

“I know, honey.” He doesn’t quite know what else to say. They’ve had these kinds of talks in the past, and he knows that it must be difficult for the kids. They will understand when they’re older, but not now. They haven’t experienced how sour your feelings can turn towards someone even after you’ve loved them for years. 

“But she’s happier now, like this, and I’m happier as well. I know it feels weird now and I’m really sorry that it has to be like this, but in the end… In the end, this is for the best. Even if I yell more now than before she left.” He still vividly remembers the argument they had on the driveway that faithful day when Minseok witnessed it, remembers Juhyun screaming those words to his face.

“You weren’t happy, though,” Juhyun points out, startling Junmyeon slightly. “You weren’t happy at all, dad. But you’re now.” 

And really, he could take this chance to tell them why- tell them about Minseok and Jongin. But he also remembers vividly how upset Seulgi was about the mere idea of them dating, and he doesn’t want to ruin their Christmas- doesn’t want to taint the first thing he’s allowed himself to selfishly have in years with their anger. Now is not the time to cross that bridge. 

“I needed some time to get used to this all,” is what he offers in the way of explanation. “I needed time to figure it out. Divorce is not easy, even when you know it’s for the best.”

None of the girls try to refute him, at least. 

The next morning, he gets the girls ready, feeling the tension heavy in the air. Minseok and Jongin didn’t spend the night, because Junmyeon felt like he should face this alone. He’s nervous about seeing Hyeri again, even if just briefly, when he drops the girls off at her apartment. She doesn’t have a car big enough for all of them, so he volunteered to drive them there. 

The girls are nervous too, judging from the air of restlessness and how much they bicker and argue with one another over small things. Junmyeon grits his teeth not to intervene, because the last thing he needs is for them to get agitated with him too. So he keeps his silence, and hers them into the car. They have a bit of a drive to get closer to the city, where she lives in her apartment closer to the city.

She texted him the directions earlier, and he drives the car all the way in front of her apartment building, but doesn’t try to drive the car into the garage. There’s no need for that, he won’t linger long. He tells Juhyun to call her to come down to get them and then hops out of the car, to help Yerim and Sooyoung out of their car seats. 

“Hello.” And there she is, standing on the sidewalk, dressed in her winter parka with the zipper undone and just a pair of sneakers on her feet. Clearly, she isn’t going to linger, either; her hair blows in the wind, and she shivers in the cold, avoiding eye contact with him. Junmyeon finds an odd sense of relief in knowing she’s equally as uncomfortable as he is.

He’d get in the driver’s seat, but that would require moving closer to her. He stays where he is, at the front of his car, and watches as the girls gather around her to hug her, to kiss her. And no matter how he feels about her now, he’s happy for the girls. 

“I won’t keep you,” he says, plain and simple. “I’ll be off, now. Girls, behave alright? I’ll come pick you up after dinner sometime.” 

Hyeri looks up at him, then, even as she begins to guide the girls towards the apartment building. “I hope you use this time to relax, Junmyeon,” she says, and she sounds sincere. Or, at least she doesn’t sound like she’s trying to be sarcastic. Overinterpreting her tone of voice is second nature to Junmyeon, even after all this time, and he tries to leave it aside. Whether she really means or not doesn’t matter. Not anymore. 

“Have fun,” he murmurs, and waits for them to get further away before he rounds the car and gets in, driving off with shaky hands. 

It was anticlimactic, after all the scenarios he had time to make- but at the same time, it made the monster that she’s become in his head that much smaller. Made things seem more normal, more manageable. Dealing with her will not be easy for a long time, but at least… at least it was civil. 

He spends the day with Minseok and Jongin, just to keep his mind off things and so that he wouldn’t have to be alone in the big house. They don’t do anything special, just watch movies and eat Christmas leftovers. They curl up for a nap in their bed after lunch, Junmyeon cuddled up between them again because they insist they have to be able to share him equally. He wakes up warm and groggy, but the kisses he gets afterwards make up for all of that.

Making out with them is fun. He’s still too shy to initiate it, still hesitant to reach out, but Jongin and Minseok both take care of him so well. They indulge him with sweet pecks and longer kisses, holding him close until he’s blushing and whining, making noises he didn’t even know he was capable of making. It’s been too long since kissing was this exciting. He feels like he’s gotten at least twenty years younger, and for a moment he has to consider he’s just experiencing an early mid-life crisis. This can’t be entirely normal.

Minseok and Jongin both just laugh at him when he says that out loud. 

Eventually, though, it’s time for him to drive off to pick up the girls. He’s excited to have them back home, even if it’s been nice to just lounge around freely and enjoy his newfound happiness with Jongin and Minseok. But he wants to hear from them how it went, how they feel, wants to share their sorrows and joys with them like he’s been doing for the past 14 years. He’s so whipped for his kids, and he’s not even ashamed to admit it. 

Again, he parks his car next to the sidewalk. He doesn’t want to go upstairs, doesn’t want to be near her any longer than he needs to be. He’s a coward, but gladly so. Instead, he texts Juhyun to say that he’s arrived and waiting for them. 

They emerge soon enough, but to his complete surprise and chagrin he sees Hyeri come out with them. He grips the steering wheel tighter in his hands and counts to ten, before hopping out of the car to greet the girls. Yerim and Sooyoung both spring towards him with their arms open and almost bowl him over with their hug attack, smothering his face in kisses. He can’t help but laugh, despite everything, delighted to see them so happy to be back with him.

“Look what mommy gave us! Look!” They have a lot in their hands as well, and Hyeri is carrying more. Junmyeon smooths down their hair, kisses their foreheads, before standing up straight. “We’ll look at it at home, alright? Not here, not outside where it’s cold and snowy. We’ll sit down and you can explain everything to daddy at home, yeah?”

The three oldest girls greet him with kisses on his cheeks, and he’s quick to herd them into the van, trying to make this as quick as possible. But Hyeri trails behind, the presents still in her arms, and even after Junmyeon tells her to just put them in the trunk she lingers around while Junmyeon straps in Sooyoung and Yerim. When he closes the van door, she’s standing right next to him. 

He can feel his body tense up, in total flight or fight mode- a similar reaction to what he felt squeezed between Minseok and Jongin on Christmas eve, except this is not pleasant. He feels guilty even thinking about them, though, while his ex-wife is standing right before him. 

She crosses her arms, shuffles her feet. “Junmyeon-ah… I was wondering- we need to talk.”

His hackles raise, although he tries not to let it show. The girls are watching from inside the van, can hear them too. He has to make it seem alright. Their eyes see more than he even realizes, he knows this. Junmyeon forces a smile on his face, even though it’s brittle and terribly, terribly fake. 

“Right now?”

“No, not right now. Just- we need to set up a time and talk properly. About- I want to see the girls more, in the future. We should arrange something that works for both of us.” She’s not making eye contact, and Junmyeon is glad. She can’t see all the emotions shift through his eyes, which he’s grateful for. He is surprised, though, he can’t lie; he didn’t think he would hear this from her any time soon, to be honest. 

“I can meet you on my lunch break sometime,” he offers. “If that’s alright with you.”

It’s best to only have a limited amount of time, so he will have an excuse to slip out sooner or later. He knows he shouldn’t think so ill of her, but at the same time he doesn’t want to make himself so vulnerable to her. He’s given her his everything yet it only lead to this, and he doesn’t want to bend over backwards anymore. 

“I’ll text you.” She nods her head, and then spins around to walk away. Junmyeon doesn’t linger either, and gets in the car, shivering, although he can’t be sure if it’s just from the cold or the nerves. 

Back at home, the girls seem to be fairing quite alright. They all seem quite thoughtful and a bit tired out, and they all want to sit with him in the living room, but they don’t seem upset. Yerim and Sooyoung show him everything their mom got for them and then proceed to play on the carpet in front of the couch, sending their new barbies out on an adventure. 

“So, how was it?” Junmyeon asks tentatively, glancing at the girls even as he turns the TV on for background noise. None of them look at him, just shift a bit restlessly.

“It’s alright to say you had fun. I’d rather you enjoyed yourselves, honestly. I’m not going to be mad or jealous if you say you liked it.” And even if he is jealous, he will deal with that by himself, like he deals with everything else. 

Seulgi slides closer to him and presses up against his side, curls up there. “It was weird,” she admits. “Seeing her home that was not this home. But it was fun. We talked a lot.”

“I bet you guys had a lot to tell her.” He tries not to sound accusatory. It’s just been too long since the girls got to talk to her properly like that, but he’s relieved that they finally got the chance to do so. Especially Juhyun, who probably needs her mother now more than ever, with the puberty and all. 

“She said she wants to see us more often.” Juhyun seems a bit defensive about it, which Junmyeon can understand. He knows they’re still not sure how he’s going to react to any of this. 

“I think that’s great news,” he says easily, stroking Seulgi’s hair. “It took her a while to get everything sorted and all, but I’m glad she’s now ready and all settled down. It’ll do you guys good to see more of her.”

The girls seem all to sigh in relief, with the way their shoulders come down a bit, their postures ease up. Junmyeon feels a slight sense of accomplishment with this. At least he’s done something right. 

“And then you can spend more time with uncles,” Seungwan comments, stretching out her legs so she can knead her toes into Junmyeon’s thigh. “Do more fun things.”

It’s hard to say what she means by that- is it an innocent remark, or is she indirectly saying that she is okay with the idea of Junmyeon being with the uncles, in one way or the other? He tries not to read into it too much.

“I’ll probably just end up staying at home and reading in bed,” he says with a soft laugh, and rubs at her ankles gently. “I’m going to miss you girls when you’re not here, but you’re right. I can go hang out with the uncles, or even with uncle Jongdae, if I want.”

It’s going to be weird, not having the girls home, especially if they will be gone even overnight, but he knows he shouldn’t let them know that either. He doesn’t want them to feel guilty about the time they spend away from him. It’s not their job to worry about him.

*

It takes a couple of weeks for him and Hyeri to finally arrange for a time that works for them both. Junmyeon is nervous for days leading up to it, and no amount of encouragement and assurance from Jongin and Minseok is enough to make him feel better. They do try their hardest though, with both stolen kisses and kind words.

“You need this,” Minseok insists the night before when Junmyeon is having a hard time sleeping. He’s alone in his bed, but he’s on the phone with the both of them- both of his boyfriends, as Jongin and Minseok have taken to calling themselves without any consent from Junmyeon. They’re so shameless, and he loves it. 

“I also need to visit the dentist but that doesn’t mean I like it,” he murmurs, twiddling with the string on his pajama pants. “I don’t want to do this, but I know I should. It’s important for the girls.”

“But it’s important for you too,” Jongin pipes up. He sounds sleepy and he’s probably floored after a long shift that the clinic he works at, but he’s still awake for Junmyeon. “To talk to her. Get some closure.”

“Did you do that with your ex?” he can’t help but ask out loud. They haven’t spoken much about Jongin’s previous failed marriage. For Junmyeon, it has been enough just to know that there’s someone who understands him. 

Jongin hums quietly. “Yeah, we did meet eventually. Once all the hard feelings blew over, kind of. We agreed to stay as friends and all that, and it sounded good at the time, but it didn’t work out. But I like her posts on Facebook, though. She’s dating this really handsome fireman now.”

They all laugh, but that night nothing soothes Junmyeon’s nerves completely. He doesn’t get much sleep that night, and has more trouble sending the girls to school than usual, stumbling through even his familiar morning routine. He’s on edge and high energy, and nothing wears that down. The coffee he drinks out of habit only adds to the anxiety he’s feeling. 

Time both flies and crawls by him. On one hand he can’t wait for it to be over, and on the other he never wants midday to come. But eventually, it is time for him to leave for his lunch break and walk to the restaurant where they agreed to meet up. It’s just down the block from his office, a small Vietnamese place, one that he gets takeout from frequently. He hopes that the comfort food will at least help him a little bit. 

She has already taken a seat and is leafing through the menu when Junmyeon steps in, and she looks up at him with a vary smile. She looks more done up today than she did on Christmas, her hair up and makeup done, her outfit carefully picked out. He can still imagine her going through her routines, how she gets ready for the day, how she’s prepared for a lunch date with him. He shakes his head to get the images out; it’s almost been a year, now. 

He knows he doesn’t have to forget, and will never forget, but it’s also time he lets go of some things.

Junmyeon slides into his seat and greets her quietly, not meeting her eyes. He doesn’t need to look at the menu and so he just asks if she’s ready to order before waving over a waitress. They sit in silence as she brings them water and then disappears into the kitchen.

He wonders what others must think that this looks like, wonders if Hyeri cares that others can tell they’re not a happy couple. 

“How have you been?” he decides on eventually. “Is everything working out alright for you?”

She nods, seemingly grateful that he broke the ice at last. “I’ve been… I’ve been doing better lately. The first few months were tough but, I’m in a better place now. Which is why I wanted to do this- why I feel ready to see the girls more, and ready to talk to you too. Even if just this once.”

Somehow, it’s surprising to hear that she, too, has found it difficult. Somehow Junmyeon didn’t think she would- he knew that she had a lot of things to arrange anew, a lot of things to get used to living on her own, but he didn’t think that she would have found it difficult. That was naïve of him, immature of him. He realizes that now.

“But how about you, Junmyeon? You look… You look skinnier. Paler.” She’s tentative as she says that. There’s a million things he could read behind that question, but Minseok’s words from a conversation he had with him a couple of days ago remind him not to overthink too much. Approach her more like a stranger and less like an ex-wife. Give her a chance.

“It’s been tough.” There’s no point in lying. “Taking care of the girls alone. Trying to be a good parent despite… despite feeling like I was going to fall apart.” That came out rawer than he would have liked, but a part of him wants her to know, wants her to understand the things he’s been through. 

She doesn’t seem too surprised, although she crosses her arms across her chest. “Yeah, I know. I… I know.” She pauses for a moment, and stares out the window. He can almost hear her consider her next words very carefully. “To be honest, at first I thought you deserved it. That you deserved all that. I was trying so hard to be angry at you, to try and think that all this was your fault… But then I felt bad. Bad that I left it all for you to handle and ran away like a coward.”

There’s so much there, in just that confession, and it’s hard to process even half of it. His saving grace is the waitress bringing them their food, silence falling over them for as long as the waitress is within earshot. But even then, he doesn’t know where to begin.

“Someone told me… Someone told me to try to find closure.” He knows she doesn’t owe it to him, but so far it seems like she does want to have an honest discussion. “To fully understand why things played out as they did. I… I never quite figured it out? I think? Like, looking back now, I know we weren’t happy for a long time, but I still don’t quite get it. Did I really… Did I really make you as unhappy as you said?”

Did he really ruin her life?

She takes a moment to pile bean sprouts into her pho and doesn’t answer at first, but Junmyeon doesn’t press her. This is not going to be a short conversation, and it shouldn’t be. He’ll make up an excuse why he comes back late from his lunch, if he has to.

“You didn’t,” she finally admits. “I was trying to make myself feel better. I wanted to feel justified in what I was doing. In divorcing you. I felt so awful for doing it to you, I felt so bad- looking at you, I could tell how much it hurt you. And it made me grumble with guilt. I had to somehow find a way not to feel guilty, so I blamed you. It was a horrible thing to do, and I was embarrassed afterwards… which made it only harder to get over it. To face you again.”

Junmyeon’s hands are shaking, and he has to put his spoon down not to spill any food on himself. “So why- why were you doing it, then? I tried so hard to make you happy, Hyeri… I really tried my best. Gave you everything I had.” He tries not to accuse her, tries not to judge, but tendrils of accusation still seep into his tone of voice.

“That was the problem.” She sounds so resigned, and he’s never heard her this… defeated. Like this is something she has fought, fought to deny, but has had to come to accept. “You gave me everything. You sacrificed all of yourself to make me happy. And when we were younger, I thought that was what I wanted. I thought that was what love was. Until I realized- until I realized it made me feel guilty. Made me feel selfish, and bad, and like I didn’t deserve you.”

He’s not sure if he’s even hearing this right. She felt like she didn’t deserve him? Hyeri did? It makes no sense, and it makes even less sense that his self-sacrifice would have been the core issue all this time. “But why? I gave you my all, how was that- how was that not good?” And even as he asks that, he knows why. Because it left him so empty, left him somewhat bitter. Left him feeling unsatisfied. No matter what he sacrificed and how much, it could never feel good. Not truly.

“You were so infinitely good to me. So good that I felt like you lost your self. Your personality. I never wanted a robot, Junmyeon. I never wanted you to destroy what you were for me.” Her voice breaks, and she wipes at her eyes discreetly. “I tried to push back. I tried to push you into fighting me. Telling me no. I was so angry- I was angry because no matter how hard I slapped, you always bounced back. No matter what I did, you always apologized. Promised you would be better. I felt like I could have stabbed you in the chest, and you still would have apologized for getting blood on the carpet. And I didn’t know how to fix it.”

It’s such a twisted thing, but it makes sense. Junmyeon understands what she’s trying to say. They should have been able to talk it out, they should have maybe been to counseling, but they both were so blind to the situation when they were in it. The harder Hyeri pushed him to stand his ground, the more he bent over backwards. The more he gave, the more she took to see when he’d break.

“So how could I feel justified leaving you? How could I say, this man is too good? He does everything for me. I say jump and he says, how high? How was I going to feel at peace with that? So I tried to make it your fault.” And again, he understands. Sees the logic, and somehow, it’s setting him free. Finally closing up the wounds that she left behind.  
Finally, he knows it wasn’t all just him, not all his fault.

It’s liberating.

“So why did you stay away for so long? The girls… I didn’t always know what to tell them.” 

Hyeri sighs quietly, stirs her soup with her chopsticks. Neither of them has eaten even a bite. “I was embarrassed. Embarrassed with everything I did. I couldn’t face you, couldn’t face them. I hated myself for a long time, Junmyeon. Hated that I couldn’t love a man as good as you. But Junmyeon- I’ve realized that I was the wrong person for you all along. You needed someone who wasn’t going to abuse your selflessness. Someone who could guide you and direct you, and take care of you. For that, I’m too selfish. I loved you… But not as you would have deserved.”

And so, the truth sets him free.

They have so much baggage in between them that it’s impossible to even try to sort it out here and now. They both already have so much to think about, just from this. Junmyeon can’t process this so fast, can’t really open up when his own feelings are thrown into such chaos, and she’s understanding of that. They finish lunch quietly, and just focus on making concrete arrangements for how Hyeri is going to meet the girls in the future. They decide on every other weekend, and as many weeknights as she’d like and as many as the girls feel comfortable with, since they do have to keep up to date with their homework nonetheless. They part in slight awkwardness, neither of them sure how to end such an intense conversation, but Junmyeon feels like he can finally move forward. He’s taken a leap today, into something new and unexpected, and he’s reeling from the impact. 

He takes out his phone with shaky hands as he hurries to his office. He knows Jongin has the day off, so he chooses his number, and locks himself up in the toilet away from prying eyes. He has to put his head in his knees, because he feels like he’s about to pass out suddenly.

It’s so much, the relief of it all. 

Jongin picks up almost immediately, clearly having expected the phone call. “How did it go, love?” His voice is soft, gentle, and Junmyeon can’t bat away his tears that soak into the fabric of his slacks. He can’t find the words to say, can’t describe how it feels, but he knows he has to say something so Jongin doesn’t get alarmed for nothing.

“It was good,” he whispers. “It was… good. She said she doesn’t hate me.”

It’s all he can say right now, but he needs Jongin to know that he’s crying because it was a positive experience, not because it went terribly. And it’s enough. “I’m so happy for you,” Jongin murmurs in his ear, quiet and tender. “I’m so, so happy for you. Just take deep breaths, now, everything’s alright. You’re going to be alright.”

And for the first time, Junmyeon believes that. 

*

His agreement with Hyeri on meeting the girls takes effect almost immediately. The girls all seem pretty excited about the idea, although the three oldest are not thrilled about having to spend the night away from their own bedrooms. Hyeri doesn’t have a lot of space, certainly not enough to have rooms for all of them, and they’re going to have to sleep on air mattresses in her living room, but Junmyeon knows that despite all of their grumbling, they’re hopeful. He knows they miss her, even more so after seeing her over Christmas, and he’s so glad he can give them this. Give them more time with Hyeri. 

Maybe it will help him become a better parent as well. Give him a chance to relax, to catch up on chores at home, recharge his energy for the new upcoming week.  
But he also frets how the empty house is going to make him feel. 

He drops the girls off on Friday evening to maximize their weekend, and even exchanges a couple of words with Hyeri before heading back home. Seeing the smiles on the girls’ faces, it made it so worth it, even if his heart is clenching a bit. Empty nest syndrome, probably- something he will have to get used to, because the kids won’t stay small and at home forever. 

It’s funny how such little things lead to so much bigger things waiting for him in the future. That, too, is what parenthood is, anticipating the future and trying to prepare for it even though you know nothing of it for certain. He doesn’t know what paths the girls will take in the future and where life will take them, but he knows he will stay. He will be the only constant in their lives, for as long as he will be able. 

But there is one constant in his life too, and that is Friday nights with Jongin and Minseok. It means he doesn’t have to go back to the empty house, and he can just drive his car straight to their driveway. He even has keys to their front door by now, a gesture from them to show not only trust but also affection. 

“Our home is open to you at all times, Jun-ah”, Minseok had said, pressing the key into the palm of his hand. “Always. You’re always welcome to be with us, and the girls. You don’t have to wait to be invited, you can just come. We’re together, now. There is no you and us, there’s just us.”

It hasn’t been easy, to feel comfortable settling into a structure, a relationship model that Minseok and Jongin already built. A life they already made. His life and their lives, they’re puzzle pieces that barely fit one another, and Junmyeon feels out of place so easily. Always quick to feel unwanted, unwelcome. 

He knows it’s in his head, but it doesn’t make it any less real. 

He steps inside and Jongin steps out of the kitchen to see who it is. A wide smile appears on his face, and he walks up to Junmyeon with his arms spread wide to scoop him in for a hug and a kiss. “You dropped the girls off already? Hyung is out buying us wine for tonight, he should be home soon too. Missed you.” He squeezes Junmyeon close one more time, before guiding him by the arm further into the house and into the kitchen. “The dinner’s almost ready, if you’d like to help me out here a bit.”

“Of course,” Junmyeon laughs softly, and bumps his hip against Jongin’s even though he has to kind of tiptoe to make it work. Jongin just laugh with him, at him, and tells him to check on the pasta while he adds the final touches to the sauce. Jongin likes to cook more Western things, is more comfortable with that, and Junmyeon enjoys that. He knows the girls definitely appreciate it- their palates are way more Canadian than Junmyeon’s, that is for sure. They’ve found an odd ally in uncle Jongin, who has also been born and raised here like them. 

They have the table all set and the food is just about done when Minseok walks in with several bottles of wine. He greets them with a handsome smile and puts the bottles into the fridge to chill, before coming to properly say hi with kisses. Junmyeon presses up against his body willingly, lets Minseok have him like he wants, feeling small in his arms like he always does, before they pull apart so Jongin can have his share as well. 

Minseok and Jongin both, they make him feel so precious and protected. 

“Let’s eat, I’m starving.”

Part of the Friday tradition is to eat in front of the TV in the living room. Minseok has confessed that he doesn’t usually allow this, because he doesn’t like the prospect of them making a mess, but that sometimes it’s alright to kick back. Relax. “We’re such responsible adults all the other days of the week. This much can be allowed.” It’s an odd philosophy, but Junmyeon likes it. This is the most rebellious thing he does as a father of five, anyway. Eats dinner on the couch with his two boyfriends- well, there’s something scandalous about that for sure. 

They devour the food in no time, and conversation is light, comfortable. Everything is so comfortable. Minseok’s hand on his thigh, Jongin leaning in for kisses whenever he feels like he needs more. Quiet bickering, back and forth, and talking about their work weeks, and moments of silence when they actually focus on what they’re watching. Junmyeon’s kids call him when it’s Sooyoung and Yerim’s bedtime because the two youngest want to hear him wish them goodnight, which makes his heart swell so much. Both Minseok and Jongin squish him in between them and smooch his cheeks as Junmyeon coos on the phone quietly, telling the girls to sleep tight and call daddy any time they want to.

Eventually, as they drink more of the wine and have finally eaten to their hearts’ content, things continue to progress as they usually do. It’s usually Minseok who initiates the making out, as he’s the most impatient out of the three of them. But something about his kisses seem more intent tonight, more exploring. Deeper, longer, more heated. Junmyeon is reeling from that alone, but he isn’t quite prepared for what comes next- even if he had secretly hoped.

“Will you spend the night? Since you don’t have to go home to the girls.” It’s Jongin who asks, but Minseok is quick to nod to show that he agrees.

He knows what that question means, and while he’s hesitant, he wants it. Wants it so much. 

“Yes,” he whimpers, and Minseok laughs, ushers him into Jongin’s lap and following suit so they’re both straddling Jongin’s long, lean thighs, Minseok pressed against his back. “Good, because we weren’t going to take no for an answer.” Minseok sounds so smug, until he buries his face in Junmyeon’s neck, kissing up and down the length of it before he reaches around him to start unbuttoning his shirt. He only pops open a couple of buttons, so he can start trailing kisses along his shoulder, humming as though pleased with the taste and feel of Junmyeon’s skin. 

Jongin is stroking his thighs, feeling him up through his soft slacks. “You both look so pretty like this,” he says out loud before leaning up to kiss Junmyeon on the mouth. All Junmyeon can do is hold onto Jongin’s sturdy shoulders and let this all happen, let the two of them feel him up. Familiarize themselves with his body. It feels amazing, to be touched, to feel wanted, and he’s trembling in his spot just imagining the rest- when the clothes come off, when things really get heated.

“Have you ever slept with a man?” Minseok asks, pressing up against him even more firmly. Junmyeon can feel him slowly growing hard against the small of his back, which leaves his mouth dry with anticipation and nerves alike. Jongin moves his kisses down to his jaw to allow him to respond, but it’s just distracting enough that Junmyeon still finds it hard to articulate properly. 

“Before I got married- yes.” Jongin’s fingers find his nipples through the fabric of his shirt, and rolls them with his thumbs. Junmyeon’s hips buck forward, and he leans more heavily against Minseok for support. “Ah, it’s been… It’s been so long since I last had sex in general, fuck. Almost two years, maybe, and can’t remember the last time I had time to jerk off.”

There’s a sudden pause in all movement. Minseok grips his hips tighter, breathes against his ear once, twice. “Almost two years? Then, are we going too fast?”

And really, it’s sweet that they care. That they thought to ask if he might be uncomfortable, if he knows what he’s doing here. If he’s experienced or not. But it’s been two years, and even longer than that since he last had a satisfying sex life- and he’s been pining after Jongin and Minseok for so, so long.

He doesn’t want to wait, and most certainly doesn’t want them to treat him like a delicate flower. 

“It’s alright,” he murmurs, squirming in his spot. He doesn’t quite know how to fix what he just did with his confession. “It’s- I’m not overwhelmed, or anything. I want this. I’ve wanted this, for a long time. Please let me have it. Please.”

There’s something a bit arousing about this, almost literally begging them to let him have what he wants, but that’s a thought for another time. An exploration of something new, after they’re done exploring this, just themselves as they are, vanilla. The rest, it can wait. 

But it’s exciting. The possibility of discovering something new, something satisfying and good.

Luckily, neither Minseok or Jongin needs much more reassurance from him. Minseok chuckles softly into his ear, and his fingers tug on strands of Junmyeon’s hair gently, enough for it to feel but not sting. “Alright. You can have it- we want to have you, so much. You have no idea.”

It doesn’t take long for all of them to get rid of their clothing. They’re all eager and excited, as they’ve been waiting for a while for this. It’s new, it’s scary, and makes Junmyeon’s heart race in his chest, reminiscent of how sex used to feel like as a teenager. And in a lot of ways, this is exploring new territory; the dimensions of his body, the dimensions of sex with multiple partners. It’s a lot, but it’s good kind of overwhelming. 

They’re all naked but they’re still only just kissing, and Junmyeon is getting whinier, needier. He’s making noises he’s never made in his life, finds himself assuming a role that he’s never been able to have in the bedroom before. It sits comfortably, fits like second skin- this new side of him that isn’t scared to express what he wants, that he needs, needs so much. Isn’t afraid to be vulnerable, and drop all acts for his partners to see who he really is. 

“We’re not fucking on the couch,” Minseok says finally, having bitten Junmyeon’s shoulders red and purple and kissed Jongin’s lips deliciously plump over Junmyeon’s shoulder while he was allowed the joy of watching them together. “It’s a bitch to clean. At least sheets are a piece of cake.”

Jongin laughs. “Minseok hyung will never have such passionate sex that he doesn’t care about the cleanup,” he jokes, and taps Junmyeon’s naked thigh. “Time to get up, then.”  
“It’s a new couch,” Minseok retaliates as he pulls Junmyeon up and wraps an arm around his waist to walk him upstairs. “Ask me again in a year, or two.”

They hurry up the stairs and into Minseok and Jongin’s bedroom. Junmyeon has never spent the night here; if they’ve ever shared a bed, it has been Junmyeon’s, just so that he could be close to his girls. It’s wide and tall, beautiful, and the silk sheets feel heavenly against his hot skin. He turns on his back and his mouth turns dry as he looks up to see both of his boyfriends standing there, watching him. They’re so gorgeous, naked and proud, their erections pulling his focus towards them even if he wants to take in every single detail, wants to admire them just like this. If he could have a picture of this to keep forever, he would. 

And perhaps, a threesome should be something wild, something raunchy- and maybe it would be, if they were still in college, if they weren’t so in love with each other. But with just tender hearts, and Junmyeon’s still as bruised as it is, that is not how it happens. 

It’s so soft, the kisses on his skin, the hands worshipping his lithe limbs and the slight curves of his body. The words of encouragement and praise spoken into his ear, whispered to him. The way both Jongin and Minseok look at him, with want, with affection. His own hands tremble, his own reactions are so unfiltered and inexperienced, his body so sensitive, but like this, he cannot feel embarrassed. 

They’re so generous to him, too- in touches, in words, in orgasms. His body isn’t as it used to be, can’t come several times back to back, but the first orgasm is half an accident anyway. It’s just been so long and the pleasure builds up before he knows it, Jongin’s fingers in him exploring him deeper than anything’s ever touched him, Minseok’s cock in between his lips and salty on his tongue, and it just happens. He comes, and comes, and it shakes him to the core, leaves him panting, pliant, needy. 

Needy for more. 

As he recovers, he, too, is generous. With how much he wants to give, with how much he wants to take. He needs Jongin and Minseok to know how much he adores them, cherishes them; he covers them both in kisses, whines into the crooks of their necks as their bodies move together. He needs, and wants, and aches. 

It takes a while for him to get hard again, but no one is rushing, no one is impatient. No one demands from him what he cannot give. “You’re so beautiful,” Minseok says in between bruising kisses, gentle kisses, and guides him on his stomach on the bed. “You’re so beautiful, Jun-ah, so gorgeous like this. Just for us, just for hyung and Jongin-ah.”

And Jongin’s mouth is so hot on him, so sinful, as his tongue explores him, and Junmyeon can only whine and writhe on the bed, small and helpless, and the pleads just come out before he can think anything of it. He’s so needy, doesn’t know what to do with himself, and every reaction comes out raw. Unintentional, but so perfect. 

He pleads, and he pleads, until Jongin finally gets on top of him and gently pushes inside, laying his strong body on top of his, filling him up. Junmyeon shudders and shakes, his world falling apart and forming anew with each rock of Jongin’s hips, each drag of his perfect cock.

Somehow, he lasts until Jongin finishes, feels him fill him up- his request, one of many dirty fantasies he’s never been allowed to live true, and it leaves him so fulfilled, feeling like he’s walking on clouds. But he’s still hard, and so is Minseok, who gently rolls him over, gently talks to him until he’s lucid, until his eyes are fully focused. 

Minseok is nothing like Jongin; less smooth, long motions and more bursting power, more demanding and possessive. He’s so gorgeous, on top of Junmyeon like so, his body taking, taking from Junmyeon’s, but he doesn’t forget to take care of him even for a moment. He’s there, to ground him, and Jongin’s hands find his to hold them, he’s covered in kisses and gently coaxed closer, closer to the edge until he’s begging again, he can’t take it, he needs to come. It’s still so oversensitive but less harsh than the first time, it lingers longer, the warmth of it, the soft simper underneath his skin. 

Minseok finishes on his stomach, his cum mixing with Junmyeon’s, leaving his skin all dirty and gorgeous, so pretty. Junmyeon hasn’t felt this wanted, this glowing- and he never wants to lose this feeling. This happiness. 

And afterwards, once they’ve cleaned up and the dirtied sheets are changed out, they curl up together comfortably, locking together like puzzle pieces. Junmyeon is still boneless, flushed and still recovering- trying to wrap his head around all of that, and the fact that he can have it again. Whenever. 

It’s so much. 

It would be so natural to confess his love and affection now, right here, but he wonders if it’s just pillow talk. If it would be too tacky. He hasn’t done adult romance- has never fallen in love as an adult. Not as someone with five daughters to take care of, as a divorced single dad, not with two other grown men. It’s confusing, and he doesn’t know the rules to this.

He gazes at them both, their flushed faces, their beautiful smiles. Jongin curled against the side of him, his leg tangled with Junmyeon’s, his arm over Junmyeon’s middle. And Minseok, laying on his side, stroking Junmyeon’s hair and holding Jongin’s hand on Junmyeon’s stomach. Their beautiful triangle, their relationship that accepted and took Junmyeon in so easily, and has begun to carry him as one of his biggest sources of strength in his hectic, stressful life. 

How would it be so out of line to confess now?

“I like you both,” he whispers, in the darkness, shy but also oddly brave. It feels right- it feels so, so right. It may be crude, to say this after sex, or too mushy, but he doesn’t care.

For the first time in his life, he knows he’s with people who won’t judge him for it.

“I like you, too,” Jongin murmurs back. “I know we haven’t been together, like, officially, for very long, but I know I do. I know that I like you, and care about you, and since you said it first, hyung…”

“You’re both too cute for words,” Minseok mumbles, and yawns sleepily. “Go to sleep, now.”

Junmyeon pouts a little, and Jongin is quick to catch on. “Hyung, you need to say it too,” he insists softly, squeezing Minseok’s hand tighter while moving his thumb up and down, stroking Junmyeon’s bare stomach. “We said it, so you should as well. Unless you don’t like us.”

There’s mirth to Jongin’s voice, and the way Minseok sighs in false indignation makes Junmyeon giggle behind the palm of his hand. “You two rascals,” Minseok huffs, shifting and arranging the blankets better over them. “Of course I like you, no questions asked. But can we sleep, now? I’m sleepy.”

It’s not a love confession, not yet- but they have only been official for around a month or so. They have long ways to go, and sometimes Junmyeon feels bad about it. That he made Jongin and Minseok reset their entire relationship, to accommodate him. Surely they’ve said ‘I love you’ before, surely they’ve done it all, yet they hold back, for him. For his sake. 

He’s so infinitely grateful, for everything. 

“Thank you for finding me,” he whispers, his voice wavering. “Thank you for coming into my life and forcing your way in. For becoming my friends, and then… then something more. I’m so happy, so lucky to have you…”

“Shh,” Jongin mumbles in his ear, and presses closer to him. “Shh, Jun-ah. You make it sound like it was some big favor we did to you- it wasn’t. We never took it as charity or anything. We both found you so cute, that day when we moved in, with Yerim in your arms and everything. And we thought, how often do we make friends who speak Korean like we do? So we wanted to get to know you, and you were so kind, so loving, so beautiful. We wanted to keep you for selfish reasons, not because we saw it as our duty to be nice to you.”

“Jongin is right,” Minseok agrees without even a pause. “We didn’t look at you and pity you, and reach out to you because we felt obliged to. We did it, because we wanted to know you. Because you interested us. Thank you for letting us into your life, into your daughters’ lives. You have taught us so much, about life, about patience and love. Thank you for letting us keep you.”

Junmyeon knows now he wants to let them keep him forever.

*

Life resumes as normal, sort of. There’s the new routine of dropping the kids off at Hyeri’s place every other Friday and picking them up the following Sunday, the whole novelty of having a weekend to himself as well as some weekdays as well, whenever Hyeri has the time to pick up the girls and they don’t have too much homework to complete. It allows Junmyeon with more time to breathe, with more time to relax. To just be by himself, not be responsible for anyone or anything for a while, and just breathe. 

He didn’t know how much he needed it, before he finally got to have it.

Minseok and Jongin continue to come over even more frequently than before. They’re in his house almost every single day, actually, whether it’s for short visits or for the whole evening. Junmyeon is grateful; this way he doesn’t have to ever feel left out, doesn’t have to feel jealous over them spending time together without him. He knows that he should be an adult and should be fine with the idea, they’ve been together for so long and live together as well, but in this early stage of their relationship it might still tear him apart. 

There’s something so special, about watching Minseok and Jongin learn their routines, participate in them. They put Yerim and Sooyoung to bed like it’s nothing, help brush their teeth, read bedtime stories, everything. They help the girls with homework, or just talk about their lives with the same enthusiasm they had when they first got to know the girls- it’s a good sign, that it hasn’t worn off, that the girls haven’t become a burden to them.

And sometimes, after the girls have all gone to bed, they might stay the night. They never have sex, not in Junmyeon’s bed, not if the girls are home, but curling up together underneath the covers is already enough. It’s already more than he could ever ask for.

So, evenings together turn into nights together, and then into mornings together. Into breakfast cooked together, all three of them bumping into each other in the kitchen preparing food, Minseok forcing Junmyeon to sit down to eat before he’s allowed any coffee, Jongin reading the newspaper with Junmyeon’s glasses on because he never remembers to bring his own reading glasses. The girls- well, the oldest girls seem a bit taken back by it at first, but they don’t ask questions, don’t challenge Junmyeon to explain. 

But he knows that he will have to. Eventually. 

Date nights are still very much a thing. Now that Junmyeon has every other weekend to himself, they can go to late night shows like concerts, can head out away from home and not worry about arranging for babysitters or hurrying home so that Juhyun doesn’t have to put the youngest to bed by herself. This freedom is much needed, and gives Junmyeon the chance to explore who he is- who he is without his children, without his responsibilities, who he is in this new blossoming relationship. 

Who Jongin is, who Minseok is. Who they all are together. 

Maybe it’s silly, to go on such a journey of self-discovery in his late thirties. But in a lot of ways, the stagnant state of his marriage and the way his life was stuck in its exhausting routines, there was no space for that before this. There was no reason to look at the person who he’s become, no room to question who he is. No time. 

Now, he has all of those. 

He finds that he likes letting Minseok and Jongin be in charge. He likes it when they make decisions for him, when they pick where to go, what they should do on their next date. He loves Jongin’s arm around his shoulders, steering him, or Minseok’s possessive hand on his waist. He likes public kisses and public acts of affection, and it makes him so giddy, so breathless. He likes surprising them with little gifts, with little thoughtful gestures like flowers, little notes, text messages, always trying to come up with something new to brighten up their days. 

He likes holding hands under the blankets when they curl up on the couch or in bed. He likes playing footsie under the restaurant tables, and he likes teaming up with Jongin to tease Minseok hyung just to make him huff and roll his eyes at his two younger boyfriends. 

He likes falling asleep to the sounds of their breathing, likes waking up at night to either one of them coming back from the bathroom and sliding into bed, touching his body and pressing close. 

He likes getting on his knees for them, likes pleasuring them any way he can. Likes being pampered and taken care of, whether it’s in bed or outside of it.

January turns into February before Junmyeon even knows it, with so many new things taking place in his life all at once. He’s been so swept up in it all, in dating and his happier family life, that the days pass without him even realizing it. So much has changed, in so little time- he’s brought to this sudden realization so unexpectedly, watching Jongin play board games with four of the girls, Minseok and Juhyun both curled up on the couch next to him, everyone nursing a cup of hot chocolate, the scene so cozy and domestic yet so familiar by now. 

Suddenly, he sees it all with new eyes. How he could not have even imagined this, even just six months prior- that he could one day have something as precious as this. Have his girls, bright and happy and content, and have two beautiful boyfriends who take care of him so well. Who love him for who he is, even if they have yet to say it out loud. 

And he knows that it’s time that the girls find out. He’s been afraid of telling them, in all honesty, and has been grateful for their silence, but he knows that he can keep this a secret only so long. Not a very well kept secret- he’s refused any kisses in front of the girls, has refused to do anything lovey dovey, but just the sheer amount of time they spend together should be a sign of something.

Yes, he’s afraid. Of what Hyeri will say, of what his parents will say. His friends, his family. The neighborhood. But a part of him has stopped caring. If he’s happy, then what’s it to anyone else? He’s deserved this, has sacrificed too much time trying to please everyone else but himself. 

He can’t always wait for the perfect timing. He wouldn’t even be together with Jongin and Minseok, now, if they all hadn’t seized the moment like they did.

He has to say it now, when he feels confident to do so. “Darlings.” Everyone turns to look at him, although he can tell Seulgi, Seungwan, Yerim and Sooyoung are all more eager to go back to the game than listen to him. They know well how mushy their father gets sometimes, and he doesn’t blame them for not always wanting to humor him. “What if dad told you… What if dad was dating uncle Jongin and uncle Minseok?”

A stunned silence follows, where everyone is staring at him, and then at Minseok and Jongin. “Are you dating them?” Juhyun finally ventures. “I mean. I kind of knew you are. So it’s true?”

Junmyeon sighs softly, smiling at her fondly. She’s always been too smart for her own good. “Yes, it’s true. You knew?”

She shrugs, glances at Minseok and Jongin. “It was kinda obvious, dad,” she says like he’s a bit slow and stupid. “Kind of really obvious. I think it’s cool.”

Junmyeon leans in to press a kiss on her forehead, slightly overwhelmed. She did say before that she’d support it, he remembers that, but still, it means a lot. They’ve come such a long way, Juhyun and him alone- from him hardly understanding his teenage daughter, to being able to have an honest, affectionate relationship. She has always been and still is his biggest ally in taking care of the other girls, and her not accepting this would have been really painful. She’s the oldest and probably best understands how unconventional and questionable Junmyeon’s relationship with two other men is, so he expected her to judge him the harshest. He’s grateful to be wrong. 

He then turns to look at the other girls, still seated at the floor. 

Yerim is looking thoughtful, and she leans in to tug on Jongin’s sleeve. “You’re daddy’s boyfriend?” she asks, head tilted to the side adorably. “Uncle Minseok too? Wow, that’s so cool! I didn’t know you could have two boyfriends! I want two, too!”

All the adults burst out laughing, the tension dissipating momentarily, and the girls can’t hide their smiles either. Jongin lifts her up and into his lap to kiss her face tenderly. “You can have two when you’re a bit older,” he promises. “But yeah, it’s true. What about you guys? Do you think it’s cool?”

Sooyoung just nods her head, and climbs into Jongin’s lap because if Yerim is getting affection then she wants some too. Jongin and Minseok are both quite popular cuddle buddies in this house, that’s for sure.

Seulgi and Seungwan glance at each other. Junmyeon knows that they were originally very much against it, and it’s their reaction that he’s the most nervous about. But then they both turn to look at him, and to his surprise, there’s no judgment there in their eyes. Perhaps he hasn’t given them credit where it would have been due.

“They’ve made you happy, dad,” Seungwan says softly. “We like it when you’re happy. We talked… We have talked about this a lot. Me, Seulgi and Juhyun eonni. We… We realized that it’s important. That you’re happy. No matter who it’s with. It can’t be mom, so… Uncles are nice, too.” 

Seulgi just nods for emphasis, but she’s the first one to spring up to her feet to tackle Junmyeon in for a hug. Seungwan is close behind, fitting herself into Junmyeon’s side. They have such hot tempers, the twins- they get angry so easily, and love so fiercely.

“Thank you,” Junmyeon whispers into their silky hair, holding them close as best as he knows how. “Thank you.” And it isn’t just them that he’s grateful for, but everyone in this room; his little family, that isn’t little at all anymore. All seven of them, the loves of his life.

Everything he never thought he’d deserve.

He will apologize to Minseok and Jongin later, for not asking them beforehand, not discussing this with them. He will apologize, and most likely they will tell him that it’s fine- that he shouldn’t feel apologetic when he’s done nothing wrong. And he will laugh, and maybe cry, and agree, and promise to be better. To grow, in order to be a better partner and a better father- and they will tell him to stop telling himself short.

The mental image makes him smile just thinking about it.

E P I L O G U E

Airports are stressful even when you’re flying just by yourself, but taking five children with you should be a total nightmare- but with three adults to share the responsibility, it turns out to be quite okay. Jongin has Yerim on his shoulders the entire time, while Junmyeon holds Sooyoung’s hand, and Minseok hers the three oldest girls with him. Junmyeon is of course frantic, constantly wanting to double check he packed everything, but Minseok is more rational than him, reminding him that they already made sure they got everything. That the packing lists were made exactly not to forget anything, and that Junmyeon has already rummaged through his carry-on luggage several times in search of an item that they all knew he packed for certain. That there’s no need for all this. 

Junmyeon can only smile, and kiss him gently, grateful for his calm and collected hyung. Grateful that he isn’t in this alone.

Planning for the trip alone was tedious. The money situation at least sorted itself- Junmyeon sold the house a month ago, and they moved in with Minseok and Jongin. After much consideration, the three of them came to the conclusion that it wasn’t good for Junmyeon to keep living in the house that so strongly symbolized his failed marriage, and that it made no sense to have this physical divide between them when they would come over so often. It was just so much more convenient, to live under the same roof. To share all responsibilities for real, now, and not have any reason for jealousy or insecurity any more. 

So Junmyeon sold the house, to pay off what debt was left, and to put in that money towards paying off the debt that Minseok and Jongin had left of their home. But of course, they did not allow him to spend it all on mortgages- which made this trip to Korea possible, for all five of his girls and him. 

Since they have children with them, they’re given priority in the boarding process. The three oldest girls sit in one row, Junmyeon and Jongin with Sooyoung, and Yerim goes with Minseok. They’ll get to switch it out when they take their connecting flight in Los Angeles, but they have a good few hours until then. It’s going to be exhausting, but it will be worth it. 

Junmyeon is just as excited as the girls are, and he can’t even try to pretend that it isn’t true.

Jongin reaches over Sooyoung to squeeze his hand in his for the takeoff, and in a lot of ways it feels like a metaphor for how much his life has changed. That he no longer has to face hard times or scary things alone, and instead has not one, but two loving partners to rely on to get through it all.

He closes his eyes and lets the plane carry him away and up in the air- towards a new adventure with his loved ones by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been an amazing journey. From taking one tweet from someone and just running wild with the idea, to end up here, 44k words later, with the story that I feel like is objectively my best one to date. It's funny how these things work, sometimes. 
> 
> Thank you for everyone for your comments and support for this unusual story. I know single dads and divorce and all of that probably isn't your bread and butter, so it means the world to me that this story touched so many and you guys kept coming back for the new updates. The chapter length got so out of control- we started with 6k for the first one, and ended with 12k for the last one. 
> 
> It feels good to finish this story. It feels so, so good. I hope the end didn't disappoint, as I know I have a bad habit to ruin my stories on the last leg. Thank you for being here with me. Thank you to those you encouraged me and provided me with support and reassurance when I needed it. You know who you are.


End file.
